Wednesday, 30 June 2010

I get so emotional, baby..

This week, Tara's Gallery and Josie's Writing Workshop have joined forces to combine two of my most favourite things in the world. The Gallery and The Writing Workshop have, over the past few weeks really helped me to understand, not only myself,  but my fellow 'Tweeps' and blogger's.
For this I'm very thankful.

To Tara and Josie,
Thank you for you hard work and inspiration.

This weeks joint prompt is 'Emotions'

This is my entry with my chosen emotion: Remorse.

Each time I look at his photo, I feel the knot in my stomach tighten.
How could I not have known? How could I have thought that I..(me?!) knew best?
My gorgeous little girl. So brave. So strong.
Me, her mother. So weak. So pathetic.

The definition of remorse is 'sadness and disgust' These emotions I know all too well.
Remorse, however, is exactly how I feel looking at this.
My darling daughter, with her arm in a sling, having fallen from her bed.
I feel immense sadness that at the tender age of 5 she had to experience that kind of trauma.
I will forever feel disgusted with myself that I waited 2 days before taking her to the hospital to have her checked over.

In my defence, Lauryn could lift her arm over her head, wiggle her fingers and roll her neck. I assumed she had maybe bruised or possibly jarred her shoulder or arm in some way.

I felt sick when the X-ray reveled a clear break in her collar bone.

'See Mummy? I told you it was really hurting' The words that will haunt me forever.

How could I not have seen she was truly in pain? That there was more to her complaints then just bruising?
How could I have been such a terrible Mother?

My sweet, innocent, gorgeous Lauryn. I am so very sorry. Remorse doesn't come close to the agony that I feel everyday knowing that I messed up so royally.

Call it what you want, remorse, shame, despair, horror, torment, anger, guilt... I feel all of these when I look at your loving face.

I can never make this right.


  1. You are being very hard on yourself. Motherhood indeed parenthood is one big learning curve and we will all make mistakes and live to regret some of them. Your daughter is beautiful and healthy and she will heal and hopefully your feelings of remorse will too. You have not failed her at all. Of course this photo is a constant reminder of this incident but in time you will probably have other things to worry about instead.
    Your emotions are very clear in this post - I feel them for you! Please don't beat yourself up she is ok and that is what is important. Easy for me to say, I know xx

    Ps all your children are gorgeous in your header photo :-)

  2. Kerry, I am sorry to hear about Lauryn but please dont be so hard on have FOUR children and are rushed off your feet, its so easy to dismiss stuff unless it is really obvious...we all do it!!! She is such a little trouper and will, I'm very sure, make a speedy recovery. Take a breath hun, and remind yourself how great a mum you are to all your children, I am sure every one of your friends will agree xxxx

  3. Please don't be hard on yourself. I tend to down play any scrapes and stuff that my kids get into. My 3yo fell off/got pushed off a slide on Father's Day and came back crying a lot with her brother in tow. When she didn't stop crying and cried even more when she moved her arm (despite being able to move it and wiggle fingers) I decided to take her to A&E. She'd broken her elbow basically and she's now in her second cast, which is predictably pink. Collar bones are dead easy to break but not always easy to spot. Mine was more straightforward and being 5, I bet there will be no long term effects on Lauryn. I bet you are a great mum so please don't beat yourself up about it.

  4. What they say! YOu're being way too hard on yourself. It's amazing that she could move her arm and fingers, and that she wasn't screaming in pain the whole time. I would have done the same. Exactly. And I would probably be feeling remorse. And you would probably be telling me not to!

  5. This photo was taken this time last year. Lauryn is fully recovered now, but I don't think I will ever feel 'at ease' with my decision to wait 2 days before having her checked out. But thank you all for your kind words x

  6. We are our own worst critics. And, no matter what people may say, it's hard to let go of emotions that we have, no matter what.
    Your family is gorgeous, and little Lauryn is absolutely adorable. Glad she is now fully recovered.

  7. Just catching up on your blog and wanted to tell you not to be hard on yourself. A similar thing happened to me when I was about your daughters age.
    I fell over whilst my family and I were at friends for lunch. On a carpet so no big deal. Apparently my Mum & Dad told me to stop whimpering and eat lunch. I hardly ate a thing and was still whimpering hours later. When they took me to hospital I had broken my arm.
    They felt awful but this has gone down in history as a funny family story. I've never felt neglected or angry about it.
    I went on to break my arm again 6mths or so later and my Mum said she knew straight away - so you live and learn I guess.