Friday, 29 October 2010

Dear Me..

I know very little about myself.

I've never taken a gap year, or travelled the world. I've taken very few risks in my life.

I aim to please others. I don't know why. It's not that I want everyone I meet to 'like' me (Although, does anyone set out to not want people to like them?!)

I aim to please those closest to me. To do this, I've put myself into positions that I really didn't want to be in just to make the people I care about most, happy.

I flit. I drift dangerously between being a 'worrier' and an 'optimist'.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a partner and most importantly, a mother.

These are the few things I know.
Other things have been lost through the years.

Many close to me don't notice the sacrifices that I have made over the years for them. Maybe I come across as a doormat with the world 'Welcome' printed across my forehead. And that wouldn't be their fault. It would most definitely be mine.

I'm not sure why I do it.. Really - I don't have a clue.
I'm not scared of saying 'No'. I'm not frightened that I will lose certain people if I put my foot down.

It doesn't make me happy to put others first in everything I do.

If I want to do something for myself, I feel guilty. It's huge immense guilt.

I fee sick at the thought of taking something away from my family, be it time or money.

In reality, I need to take some of that for me. I know this. However, instead, I continue to struggle, as I know it will not be compensated for.

I have some strong opinions.
Opinions of how I should raise my children.
I have opinions about friendship, family, love and religion.

These opinions shape me, but they don't make me.

I've never tried to 'find myself' like some do.
What if I don't like what I find? Can I change myself? Can I forget what I find and search for a new and improved me?

What if I look and I don't find anything? Or what if I find the 'me' I love so much, that it changes everything?

It's easier not to look. It's easier to carry on and not rock the boat.

There's always so much going on to take time out.

One day, maybe, I'll take the plunge. One day, maybe I'll find myself. One day, maybe I'll be completely happy.

For now I will do my best to carry on and put a smile on my face and hope that one day, maybe I'll just feel 'normal' again.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Catch up

I've been rushed off my feet recently, what with work and the kids and everything that goes with being a mummy of 4 with a house to run, blah, blah, blah..

The bipolar, which I thought I was finally starting to get a handle on, gave me one truly devastating kick up the arse and knocked me for six for a couple of weeks.

The diet that I was doing so well with, crashed and burned as the weather turned colder and wetter and any energy that I could muster was spent shoveling an extensive amount of crap into my mouth.

I'm only now just starting to manage to peel myself off of the sofa again and get back out into the big bad world. The panic attacks have returned, making this no easy feat.

I have been trying my hand at a bit of extra curricular activity recently too. If you follow my other blog, you will know what I'm talking about, and if you don't, why the hell not?? Get on over there and have a look!

I'm pushing myself to get back on track and start living my life again.
This week, I went to the cinema with Drew and also had my first girlie night in ages, got drunk and danced very publicly, like a complete idiot to Michael Jackson's 'Smooth Criminal' (long story!).

Next week, I will be going out for coffee with some friends, talking weddings (eek!) going swimming, and taking some long walks.

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.