Friday, 30 July 2010

My Last Fight..

So, I haven't blogged much recently.
I have been busy. Really, REALLY busy.

I have been feeling totally overwhelmed by life over the past couple of weeks.
I can't breath. I'm being 'water boaded' and never left to rest.

I know that to some of you, that statement sounds 'dramatic' and 'violent' but it truly sums up my present feelings. And if you have ever suffered from severe depression, you will probably know where I'm coming from.

I feel like I'm drowning, being held down under the water for soo long, I give up.
But just as soon as I give in to this feeling, something pulls me to the surface just long enough to gasp for air before holding me back down again.

The icy water, makes me feel numb and my chest burns from my last solitary breath.
I have tried to keep up appearances, to show a 'happy' face to those who know me. To say "I'm fine.." when asked, but really, I'm not.

This world is plotting against me with an awesome force.
It never gets easier.
Grey turns into black, sun turns into rain, joy turns into pain.

Cruel, evil powers are at force and I am paralyzed. I cannot fight them, they have dug their claws in too deep.

It's too late for me. I have been over powered.
I will battle against that final breath to keep 'them' away from my children. I will not let 'them' take my precious family.

You may have won the battle, but you will never win the war. I will fight you 'til my death, and haunt you 'til yours.

I am clinging on. Waiting for that gasp of air, longing to feel the burn in my lungs.
Hoping beyond hope, that this will not be my last fight.

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Beauty is everywhere

This weeks Gallery theme is 'Nature'

I have a couple of photos. They are of my 5 year old daughter, Ashley Jay.

She has the most amazing blue eyes and the cutest curls that tumble down around her face.
She is, in my eyes, a natural beauty.

I snapped these on a beautiful, sunny day in our garden.

Gorgeous clear blue skies overhead, with the odd sprinkling of fluffy pure white cloud.

You can't get a more peaceful, stunning photo of 'nature' then that.

I hope you enjoy these as much as I LOVE them.

(I have had them blown up big and are going to be placed in my living room!)

Saturday, 24 July 2010

Inception, the beginning of the end?

This week, Drew and I celebrated our 10th anniversary.
To celebrate, we went for a meal and then to the cinema to see the new much raved about movie, Inception.

I have to admit. I was dubious.
I'm not the biggest Leonardo Di Caprio fan in the world, which put me off at the very start.
However, the story line intrigued me. Planting ideas into someones mind, via appearing in their dreams.. Sounds great, right?


The story line was made overly complicated, to make it sound better then it was, by giving you a head ache trying to keep up.

The special effects that have 'hyped' up the film since it opened, were absolutely nothing compared to the likes of The Matrix.

It's all been seen before. It was certainly nothing new or special. It didn't live up to all the hype and excitement that is surrounding it. The acting wasn't brilliant. And it was unnecessarily long.

I was extremely disappointed with this film, and it took 2 and a half hours of my life, of which I can never get back.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Dearest Family..

The end of an era is upon us

Ten year... Ten years it's been since we met.
A decade of ups and downs, hugs and kisses. A decade of love and war, weakness and strength.

10years of you, of me, of us.

Four children. Three beautiful daughters and a handsome son. Our child bearing days are now over.
It's scary. It's all gone so fast.

Finished are the days of sterilized bottles and making formula feeds.

Come October, we will celebrate our last ever 1st birthday.

Where have the days gone? The years have disappeared through the cracks in this imperfect world.

Our hopes and dreams have got lost along the way, our journey - haphazard.

We have arrived at the same destination. Together and stronger then ever.

I wanted to get married this year.
To end our first 10years on a high, having done all of the ground work. Start our next ten years as a fully formed unit.

A building block to our 'new-look' future together.

We are no longer forming a family, we are now shaping one.

Our beautiful, loving, wonderful family.

2010 is the end of an era.

I can't wait to start a new decade, a new life, a new era with you, and our gorgeous children.

Here's to the next ten years together. Full of hope, happiness, fulfilment, love and trust.

I love you all.

Monday, 12 July 2010

Running from the World.

I have been running for a long time now.

Running from the past, and the future and especially the present.

Exhaustion set in a while back.
The feeling of the wind rushing through my hair and the hot sun of my face has kept me going. I don't want to stop. I'm not sure I can.

The past is a funny thing. It shapes you. Makes you the person you are today.
I'm not sure what kind of person I am. I like to think that I'm strong, that I'm a better person. More compassionate. More lenient. Yet still I run.

I want to be in a world that stops for a breath. That's totally uncomplicated. That's free and easy and nurturing.

I crave peace and calm. Space and time.
But time travels faster then me. It runs through my fingers like tiny grains of sand. Slipping away, forever.
I can't catch it up or slow it down. I can't go back and right my wrongs. So I just keep running.

My little world is bright and colourful. It's musical and wondrous.It's peaceful and still. It's Heaven on Earth.
I run to it often. My only escape from the real world that drains me to my very core.

I have been running for a long time.


This post was written for Josie's Writing Workshop.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

For the love of Music

Today I have indulged in my favourite past time.. Music.

I have pretty much all day been plugged into my iPod.

After 6 hours of 'techy' stuff yesterday, trying to get all the songs I wanted put on to the damn thing, I finally got a near perfect 5 hour play list.

Everything from the likes of The Beatles and Michael Bublé to Oasis, Orson, Kelly Clarkson, The Jacksons, Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse!

I loved escaping my life (albeit interrupted, what with school runs, nappies, feeds, and potty training etc)

I had forgotten the immense joy that listening to my favourite music gives me.

My days are filled with being 'Mummy' with Nick Jr. Playhouse Disney and Cbeebies being my daily soundtrack. I have indirectly learnt every single word to every single kids programmes theme tune. That is a very sad fact indeed..

The only time I get to listen to the radio is when I'm in the car. But since the car had been off the road I haven't even had that opportunity.

I feel like I have rediscovered a very small piece of myself today. I realised that I had a little dance in my step and a smile on my face for most of the day.

The kids were happier, I was happier.

You can't beat a good bit of music therapy!

I am going to try and plug myself in to my iPod as much as I can from now on and hope that it gives me the inspiration, happiness and peaceful feeling that it did today.

Friday, 2 July 2010

Thank God for Michael Bublé

Anyone who knows me well, or follows me on Facebook or Twitter will know, that I am shout it from the roof-tops, walking on cloud 9, head over fricking heels in love with the amazing Mr. Michael Bublé.

The man has it all.. The looks. The charm. The personality. The cheeky grin, and of course.. The talent.

Boy, does he have the talent.

Pure effortless, smooth, wondrous, fantabulous talent.

He sings, he dances, he writes, he croons, I swoon.


I've never really been one to 'fancy' celebrities. That is until recently. I have to admit, a couple have caught my eye of late. But Michael is my perfect crush.

It's not a 'desperate housewife' thing. I'm not bored of my other half, I'm not looking for a bedroom fantasy. It's not a sexual thing at all. Although...

Err, Where was I?

Oh yeah, perfect crush..

I am extremely drawn to the man's talent. His voice is mesmerising to me. I crave it. It gives me a complete high, a rush of lust. Like a million tiny hot kisses on the back of my neck that leave me breathless.

He calms me down when I'm manic. He cheers me up when I'm at my lowest. He helps me along, when I'm happy, and gives me feeling when I'm numb. In short, there is nothing this beautiful man couldn't do for me.

This week my bipolar has hit it's cycle hard. It's thrown me skyward to watch me come crashing back down. It's laughed and pointed and smacked me in the face. It's ripped me to pieces and jeered as I've tried desperately to regain myself.

Through all of this, Michael has been there. Grasping my hand as I've scaled the clouds. Catching me before I've hit rock bottom and holding me tight to glue me back together.

He is my fantasy world, which I can escape to when the real world is holding my head firmly under the water.
I listen to him. So elegant and fluid. So rich and smooth. So very relaxing.

He helps me rest and find peace, something that I can't find alone.

This is why I am in love with him.

This is why I thank God for Michael Bublé.