Friday, 21 May 2010
It's not that I like the feeling of numbness or anything.
I mean I prefer to feel numb then to feel like I'm being crushed under an enormous weight that is life..
Sometimes, it gets so bad that I can't breath. Literally. I have panic attacks over the stupidest things.
Then there's the flip side to that bright and shiny coin, called Bipolar.
This effects me in 2 different ways. I'm not Kerry Katona.
I talk.. endlessly talk.. Drew will agree with me, as he can often be heard telling me to 'shut the fuck up'
It's like someone is holding a gun to my head.. Think 'Speed' without the bus, if I stop or slow down, my world stops. There is a real pressure urging me on. And it's nothing in particular that spews from my mouth. A whole random load of nonsense.
I'll start mid way through a sentence and Drew will be looking at me wondering what the hell is going on and not having a clue. It's like I think that I've started from the beginning and then I feel annoyed that he isn't keeping up.
The other way the 'mania' takes hold is sex.
I'm like a woman possessed!!
My poor bloke. He's so tired!
I have found a 'Majority Trend, to these cycles. I'm an uber crazy person at night. (Another reason why Drew is tired)
These 'manic' cycles leave me exhausted too. I'm so hyper I don't sleep.
This not only leaves me extremely tired the next day, but also in need of being scraped up from the floor like a deflated helium balloon.
The downward spiral continues throughout the day and there's no pulling me out of it.
So you see, it doesn't happen very often, and I wouldn't say I like it, but today I'm comfortably numb.
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
My children are aged, 6, 5, 2.5 and 6 months. I get up about 7.45am. We leave the house usually around 8.30, but 8.40 at the very latest.
Now I leave out clean clothes; under ware, uniforms, daytime clothes for the babies etc in piles (1 pile per child)
All shoes are in the 'kids' basket in the porch and are put there the minute they arrive home from school.
I check book bags straight after school and complete any paperwork etc then.
Lunches are made the night before and left in fridge for the morning.
The 3 girls usually go downstairs about 7.30am. They put the TV on by themselves, and watch a cartoon or play on their DS or with toys.
I am upstairs at this time, either feeding the baby or sorting out clothes for myself.
I then go in the shower and am dressed and downstairs with all the kids for 8am.
I take requests for breakfast, usually some kind of cereal and toast with squash.
The 5 year old is usually dressed in uniform already, the 6 year old is either still in pj's or running around the lounge completely naked..
After many shouts at the 6year old to get dressed and turning the TV off, much to the disgust of fully dressed and fed 5year old, I start on the babies.
Both nappies need changing and both sets of clothes to go on. Then the hair...
Hair is a nightmare in my house. I have 3 girls who all like wearing their hair long.. The 5 year old is the 'princess' of the bunch and has to have everything girly, pretty and frilly. Out come co-ordinating bands and clips and requests for pig tails and twisty hair and 'curly like Aurora mummy'
The toddler hates having her hair brushed or put up or even having a clip to keep her fringe out of her eyes.
Buggy is put up and book bags, water bottles, lunch bags, rain macks and anything else they need for that day is loaded on.
Baby inevitably vomits over himself and usually me, after a mammoth session in his Jumperoo.
All 5 of us trek upstairs to the bathroom. Me to change out of vomit stricken clothes, baby to be cleaned up and re changed and the girls to brush teeth and wash hands and faces.
All bundle down stairs when I'm shouting for shoes to be put on and any toys being taken to be 'grabbed now, 'coz I'm not coming back for them'..
Baby is strapped into buggy, toddlers shoes are fastened and we all leave the house where I usually have to drag 6year old and toddler down the road to school.
I should get up earlier and give the kids more time in the mornings, right?
But were would the fun be in that????
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
This is me as a 'wife'.
I'm seen here with my fiance, Drew.
We've been together for an entire decade!
Monday, 17 May 2010
That was until Jon Stead tagged me of course! (Thank you very much)
So here we all are, all eyes on me. Lets give it a try..
1. You must thank the person who has given you the award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link the person who has nominated you for the award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 other Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Let the nominated victims (bloggers) know they have been tagged.
- I'm a 'Cockney'. Born within the sound of the 'Bow Bells'
- I have 7 other siblings.
- I lived in Dublin, Ireland for 4years before moving back to London.
- I attended a famous stageschool.
- I once spilt coffee on Sir Paul McCartney's beige nubuck shoes (oops!)
- I once appeared in a music video for a boyband.
- I got A* in Woodwork and Electronics at GCSE level
So there you have it, my 7 'interesting' previously unknown facts about myself for you lucky, lucky people.
What can I say. It's been fun!
Now the following people can have a go, so get thinking!
A Head Blog
Sleep is for the weak
(apologies if any of you have already done this..)
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Now this revelation poses a few problems:
- We are not really 'wedding' people
- The kids want a 'big' thing, so that they can be centre of attention as our bridesmaids..
- (And this is the big one) It's fucking expensive!
Neither of us are religious in any way, so a church wedding is out. Not only because we'd feel hypocritical, but also because the long ceremony would not be personal to us with all of it's religious content.
In an ideal world, I wouldn't get hitched in a registry office either, but as point 3 has already clearly stated, it's expensive. So registry office it is.
If budget could stretch, I would love to hire a celebrant, who would conduct a non-official 'wedding' for us (after the legal requirements have been taken care of at the registry office, of course!)
This would ensure a perfectly personal ceremony tailored to us and our children and would be absolutely amazing, my 'dream wedding'.
Like many young families, we don't have any savings. We are not lucky enough to have financially supportive family members either. So this wedding falls squarely on our shoulders (and to be honest, I wouldn't want it any other way, we want, we pay)
We won't and can't get into debt to do this, so it's going to be a long time coming, which upsets me tremendously, as there are personal reasons as to why we have decided to get wed now.
So, I started doing some research online, thrifty wedding ideas, that kinda thing.
It was during this search that I stumbled across an American article regarding 'Sponsored Weddings'
It apparently, is becoming a growing trend in the US to get companies to sponsor your wedding, enabling the Bride and Groom to keep costs to a minimum.
Advertising is offered throughout their big day to companies willing to participate. Sponsorship deals cover everything from the invites to the rings and even the dress. And the couple in return, place their sponsors 'ads' on their invites, menus, thank you cards etc..
Now, I know a lot of people would deem this as tacky, but I think it's an amazing idea - in theory.
In practice, however, I would think that it would take hours of hardwork, dedication and writing, emailing and 'phoning etc..
In the UK, I would be doubtful that many couples would be able to achieve the objective and make this work, and I'm not suggesting that I would be one to try this, however I am very excited about the idea of it all.
You get a wedding for a very small budget, and your sponsors get a happily captive audience!
I guess it just extends the whole asking family and friends to exchange their talents as their wedding gifts to you, it's just on a much bigger scale.
I have to say that whom ever came up with the idea is a marketing genius!
Wednesday, 12 May 2010
We are sitting in the long grass in the church yard while photos were being taken of the bride and groom.
The girls were all incredibly well behaved and a true credit to us both.
I like this photo, not just because it is one of the few I have with me and my girls (I'm usually behind the camera) but because it shows how beautiful they are. And it gives me emmense hope that when we get married they will be every bit as happy and proud as our bridesmaids as they were for their Uncle.
William Lyon Phelps
"A person will be just about as happy as they make up their minds to be"
Other things that make me happy:
McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey) and McSteamy (Eric Dane)Grey's Anatomy. My new fave TV show. I have only just discovered Grey's, but I'm hooked. The obvious 'man-candy' helps! I'm desparate for season 5 to be released on DVD in England.
Mack Garehardt (Max Martini) from The Unit.
I LOVED the show, absolutely brilliant, and was very sad
to see it end. I own the DVD boxsets and they are fab!
I also like to think that Drew is my very own Mack!!
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Well, I guess you can, if you are only going to be around until the ripe old age of 54! (eek!, that's not good for a start, is it?)
Anyway, since my diagnosis last week, I have been looking at my life with 'new' eyes
I would love nothing more then for things to change in my life and all the so-called 'Self Help' guru's tell you the same thing:
'If you want it, make it happen and get it'
Now, of course, the main drawback with any kind of depression, is that you truly cannot be arsed with anything, which makes this task somewhat harder.
My decision regarding going this Bipolar thing alone with no medication is not due to my inner hippy trying to escape and come to the forefront of my life, it's down to the fact that I’ve used antidepressants in the past and I didn't do well on them.
This in turn also makes things more difficult, as not only am I trying my darndest to fight this disorder, I am also pushing myself to make significant changes in my life to make it more worthwhile. This will then, hopefully have the desired positive effect needed to help with the depression.
The expression, 'Swings and roundabouts' comes to mind..
This is what I am treating as my very premature midlife crisis, and I WILL overcome this.
This will be a very slow process, which makes me sad, as I don't like to wait!
I get annoyed and depressed, which is extremely detrimental to the task in hand.
I am no writer, (as you can tell from this very blog) and therefore must apologise for my ramblings. However, I am going to attempt to post a weekly blog to help me achieve my mission impossible.
Photos, quotations, and any other suitable inspiration material I can get my hands on to help me regain my lust for life and improve my Bipolar Cycle symptoms.
Along with this I am going to improve my general home life by trying to regain my former organisation self.
Gone are the days when I used to be able to cope with the kids and the housework at the same time!
I refuse to let my beautiful, intelligent children suffer with a less then adequate mother for any longer, they deserve a mother who is happy and confident and.. well not what I am today.
I am going to do exactly what all those self help guides tell me and..
(Is it wrong to be extremely nervous and scared by all of this already..?)
Friday, 7 May 2010
All of the photos have been wonderfully amazing. Real eye openers. And some tear jerker's.
As some people will know from my recent tweets, I have been going through a bit of a hard time since having my son 6months ago.
PND turned into depression and following an assessment this week, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder.
I have decided to shun the help of medication in favour of the au natural remedies of meditation, light therapy, diet and exercise and with the help of my family and friends, I know that I will eventually learn how to cope with my everyday life in a much more positive manner.
Today, I have decided not to be that person who watches.. but that person who joins in and has a go.
So here goes, my very first ever post for Tara Cain's Gallery at Sticky Fingers. (And I hope I get this right!!)
The prompt this week is 'Men'
This is now my favourite photo of my men. Taken tonight (Friday 7/5/10)
This is my partner, Drew (@andyhead02) and our 6month old son, Che Lennon having a Daddy-Son bonding moment together.
Every time I look at this photo it makes me smile, the best medicine there is.
I LOVE my men.