Monday, 9 July 2012

Useless waste of space

I'm low on petrol and I'm a long way from home. The night is dark. The days are dark too.
It doesn't matter how much I try, I always and will always fail.
I am not meant to win. I realise that now. It's only taken 30 years to figure that out.

Oncoming headlights blur into each other, like the days of the week, leaving me momentarily blinded.

The space around me is empty and bleak. The loneliness and self loathing of my depression settles itself down into the the surrounding darkness. It's hear for the long haul.

The fact is, I deserve nothing better. The more I fight it, the more I fail. The more I ignore it the more I hurt those around me. It's a lose, lose situation.  So I'm not going to fight it or ignore it any longer.
This is who I am. A useless waste of space. A tiny insignificant shadow of a person, who has no right being here, living on borrowed time. Time someone else, someone much better than me could, and should be using. Every single breath I take hurts someone.

The worst thing about this is that I think I'm too much of a coward to put things right. I don't want to leave, despite the pain I cause, not just to myself, but to others as well.
I don't want to leave my husband to explain to our children why Mummy isn't around anymore. I don't want any of them to feel guilty about that, because despite my best efforts to fuck up their lives, they are beautiful people.

I also don't want to burden them with all the shit that goes on in my head, so my heart says leave and my head says stay. And they battle it out. Daily. Each day, one convincing the other that it is right. But my heart isn't strong enough. It can't carry out it's duty. It's duty is to put my family before me. It's duty is to end their suffering.

I can't even get that right.

Coming from my family, it's a wonder why I thought that I could have a normal life. A happier ending then the rest. Why the fuck did I think I was so special? Why would I ever think that I was any better or deserved more or was any different to the rest? What a joke.

I'm a joke. The biggest one there is. So laugh. I'm not going to fight it anymore. I'm going to embrace the darkness and the emptiness and maybe one day I will finally be strong enough to put my family first and end my burden on them.