Monday, 21 June 2010

Dearest Jay

Dearest Jay,

I feel the same way.

I know what it's like to have that voice in your head, telling you how much of a waste of space you are.
I know all about crying. Sobbing into your pillow every night. I lock myself in the bathroom in the middle of the night when the rest of the house are peacefully sleeping. I never find peace.

I had a severe bout of depression before. I lost my son. I tried to be with him. I couldn't cope.
I ended up in a rehabilitation clinic for 6months, on an awful lot of meds. I hated not being able to feel the grief that I needed to feel. I needed to feel the pain.

Since I've had my other children, PND has filled my days and now I have been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 disorder.

I feel so very lost and alone. My family tell me they love me everyday, and I wish I could believe them. I don't doubt that they can feel love. I just don't know how to accept it. I wish I could.

I'm not taking medication this time. I hated the way they made me feel. It's not a failure thing. I have already failed. I don't like feeling how I do, but at least I do feel something. I am a failure, so I should feel bad, right? That's the price for being a fuck up.

I'm trying to cope. Each day at a time is a true struggle. Trying to be a passable mummy to my 4 children and an alright partner to Drew. It's an effort to wake up in the morning. To have a wash and get dressed. Some days I come home from taking the kids to school and realised that I haven't even put a brush through my hair.

I am a mere shadow of my former self. With great responsibility, comes great expectations, which I am clearly falling shy of.

You do your best. You do what you have to do.

You have an awesome talent, keep using it. It is your gift. I have yet to find mine.

I have included you in a post before. In Awe. So to that voice in your head I say: Go fuck yourself. She is all that. She is special. She is noticed and She is loved.

Your Twitter feeds alone have spurred me on in some of my darkest hours this past year or so. I am honoured to have you as a 'friend'. You bring a little bit of sunshine into my otherwise grey, gloomy day.

Dearest Jay, don't let the voices win. Don't be like me. I have hit the bottom and I'm fighting to breath again. I am here. You are here. We are here together. xxx


  1. Oh honey I understand. Hell, you know I understand. Thank you so much for writing this post; it helps me to know I'm not alone even though I hate to think someone else is going through the same. You might be at the bottom but you know the only way is up. And we'll be here to help you as much as we can.

    We'll help each other as much as we can. xxxxx

  2. I hope it helps, even a little, to know that there are others out there. People who are willing to share with you their life stories. Hey, there's always someone worse off then you, eh? x

  3. Don't stop fighting to breathe again. You aren't alone and so many people love you. Lean on them and let them love you, love yourself. You are strong and beautiful and amazing. You can get through this. God is always with you, too. Always. Regardless of the past or anything that tells you that He's not.

  4. WOW! I love that sentence, "She is all that. She is special. She is noticed and She is loved."
    Change it to: "I am all that. I am special. I am noticed and I am loved." Sounds like therapy. But it might be a good way to start the day. Believing in yourself. Believing you are worth it. Because you are.

  5. What a fantastic post. So lovely of you to write it. Two incredibly powerful posts

  6. I've found you via Jay & totally agree with your words & the comments that have followed it. There are lots of us out there struggling. It is so good to have found you.

    I suffer from anxiety & I'm hoping to start an occasional series on my blog What Will Julia Do Next? about how it affects sufferes & the people around them. Please feel free to contribute in any way or just pop in!

  7. HUgs hun-mentioned you

  8. Hi FIVE!! You are right she is worth it and she is special!

  9. I know the feeling of having hope for others and wanting to help them but losing it for yourself--please don't give up on you. I know it's dark and it's hard to see any sort of light seeping into the tunnel, but I hope you can have faith that the light will come, even when things are darkest.

    Something that has helped me in my struggle is making myself do things I know I like when I feel like rolling over and giving up...especially in the bad bouts. If I can go hunt through clothes at my favorite secondhand store, start learning a new language, paint even though I'm not very good at it just because I like to play with the helps me get through those moments where all I want to do is die.

    Children can be overwhelming, but I'm sure Drew would understand if you need to take an hour or two to yourself so that you can take care of you--I'm sure he wants you to feel better too.

    You don't have to be perfect. You just need to be you.

  10. Eat pray and love...please read that book. It tells us that from every deep ditch, there can be a way made upwards. I suffer from depression too, and to be very frank, I feel the exact same way as you are right now. Ever thought about therapy?

  11. You are strong, you are so very beautiful, and you can and will be happy. I have confidence that you will. I send you love, because you are worth it.