I feel the same way.
I know what it's like to have that voice in your head, telling you how much of a waste of space you are.
I know all about crying. Sobbing into your pillow every night. I lock myself in the bathroom in the middle of the night when the rest of the house are peacefully sleeping. I never find peace.
I had a severe bout of depression before. I lost my son. I tried to be with him. I couldn't cope.
I ended up in a rehabilitation clinic for 6months, on an awful lot of meds. I hated not being able to feel the grief that I needed to feel. I needed to feel the pain.
Since I've had my other children, PND has filled my days and now I have been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 disorder.
I feel so very lost and alone. My family tell me they love me everyday, and I wish I could believe them. I don't doubt that they can feel love. I just don't know how to accept it. I wish I could.
I'm not taking medication this time. I hated the way they made me feel. It's not a failure thing. I have already failed. I don't like feeling how I do, but at least I do feel something. I am a failure, so I should feel bad, right? That's the price for being a fuck up.
I'm trying to cope. Each day at a time is a true struggle. Trying to be a passable mummy to my 4 children and an alright partner to Drew. It's an effort to wake up in the morning. To have a wash and get dressed. Some days I come home from taking the kids to school and realised that I haven't even put a brush through my hair.
I am a mere shadow of my former self. With great responsibility, comes great expectations, which I am clearly falling shy of.
You do your best. You do what you have to do.
You have an awesome talent, keep using it. It is your gift. I have yet to find mine.
I have included you in a post before. In Awe. So to that voice in your head I say: Go fuck yourself. She is all that. She is special. She is noticed and She is loved.
Your Twitter feeds alone have spurred me on in some of my darkest hours this past year or so. I am honoured to have you as a 'friend'. You bring a little bit of sunshine into my otherwise grey, gloomy day.
Dearest Jay, don't let the voices win. Don't be like me. I have hit the bottom and I'm fighting to breath again. I am here. You are here. We are here together. xxx