I envy those people that have found religion.
I am jealous of the way that they have complete and utter blind faith in something, or someone.
It must feel quite liberating, I would imagine. To be able to shrug and say something like "It's all in God's plan" and believe it.
This is a concept I struggle with. I'm no Atheist, but I'm not a believer either. Not in God anyway.
I believe that there is something, I don't know what. I believe that miracles can happen. I believe that it is possible to be watched over by loved ones passed. I believe that death isn't necessarily the end.
I don't believe in prayer. I don't believe that there is a 'God' sitting up there in a cloud listening to us all. I don't believe that he or she can 'save' us simply because we ask.
Karma is another one. I'm not entirely sure that it exists. The logic of it is solid, but in practise, it seems to let somethings slip through the net.
I have tried to believe. Tried to believe that my thoughts and actions are just. That this is how it was meant to be or else something, somewhere in the world would be off balance. Fate and all that.
But then I have moments of clarity. Admittedly, they are few and far between. I realise that it is all just a load of bullshit. How can you think that consequences don't exist? Or that there is a white knight on his steed just waiting around the corner ready to catch you when you fall?
No one can save you but yourself. We came into this world alone and we die alone. There is no hand holding. No reinforcement.
Sometimes I think that maybe, subconsciously, I like falling. I try so very hard to make things OK and right and normal, just for my brain to blur the lines and jump the walls that I have taken months, painstakingly building around me. And yet, I am powerless to stop it.
The inevitable crash that will happen. Each, and every time I hope that it will not be as bad or last as long as the previous one. I hope that my landing will be softer, not for me, but for those around me.
I can't believe that a 'God', a 'higher power' would think that this is a way of life. Created with so many flaws. Not equal. Not in the least. Each and every single day, a struggle.
So I do envy those who can ignore Science and ignore the things that I see. I am jealous of their inner peace and strength and knowledge, that someone out there has their back and will break their fall.
Mental Health Awareness Week 21-27 May 2012.