Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Help Through the Dark Days

A couple of weeks ago, I told a fellow blogger that I was going to write a post in response to one he'd written. I have struggled to write it. I have written 12 different drafts of this post and none of them really convey the message that I would like to put across. I don't think this one will either, so I'm just going to write and see what happens.

Actually, it's not really a message. More a feeling. Yet, I can't quite get that feeling into words.

I want him to know that I understand. That I know exactly what he means. That I feel it too.
I want him to know that he is an inspiration to me, and I'm sure, many others. That he is doing an amazing job raising his two children, despite the obstacles he faces. I want him to know that I have come to almost idolise him. The way he deals with his problems in such an open and honest manor. The way he shares his experiences with not just the online world, but with his children too. The way he carries on and doesn't let it define him.

I want him to know all of those things. And I want you to know him.

The person I am talking about is Spencer and he writes at SAHD and Proud.
The blog post that provoked me to write about Spencer is titled 'Oh Just Fuck Off' and you can read it here.

I have read 'Oh Just Fuck Off' many times now. The first 3 times, it made me cry.
Firstly, because I felt enormous sympathy, and empathy. Secondly, because I have, and still do feel the same. And lastly, because I had just heard the news that a good friend of mine had taken his own life. That week was rough on me.

My Bipolar and my thoughts and feelings aren't really talked about. I struggle a lot on my own.
I hate not knowing how I will wake up. I hate even more when I have rapid cycles and can switch from manic to depressed part way through a day, without a hint of a warning.

My husband tries his best. And I am fully aware that I wear him out. I try hard not to. But it is simply out of my control. I don't speak to family about things, they don't understand. I am ridiculed at every possible moment and having a 'made up' illness is just a big joke to them. "Snap out of it" and "Get a grip" and "You're a mother now, stop being so dramatic" are things I hear often.

I cry and cry and cry, until no tears can come. I contemplate suicide. I have even tried on 2 occasions to end my own life. But, to those around me, that is the easy part.

Then the manic episodes hit. I become a totally different person. Gone are the tears and the deep, dark thoughts. Gone is the inability to get out of bed or leave the safety of my home. It is replaced with overwhelming confidence, and focus. I can do anything and everything. There are no consequences. I am invincible.
Only.. I'm not.

I'm not indestructible, neither is my family. And I'm not made of money. And I'm not really, deep down this overly confident, go-getter who can do and have it all.

Then the cycle continues and I crumble in a heap on the floor, sobbing like a child.

My brain doesn't function right, in either state. I mess up all too often and I genuinely never see it coming. I try to learn from things. I leave myself notes to remind me not to do things, or indeed to do them. The trouble is that I very rarely seem to be in a 'normal' state of mind. I am either severely depressed, or crazy manic. On my few and far between good days, at best, I feel numb.
Bipolar really is an accurate name for my condition.

I always tell myself that I should write more here, and I always intend to, but putting my feelings into words isn't easy. I'm used to putting the fake smile on my face and getting on with it. Talking is hard to do, but I know it helps. When I do write I am as honest and open as possible, but even this sometimes causes problems, so I write sparingly, and don't do the things I want to or say the things I need to say, because others seem to have such a problem with seeing glimpses of the inside of my head.

To Spencer,
I salute you. You do what I could never do. You live how I could never live. You amaze and inspire me to be a better person.
Keep doing what you are doing, because, although you don't see it, you are doing it well.


  1. What a wonderful post by a wonderful person to another wonderful person.

    I admire both of you for being able to write so well about your feelings and troubles.

    I have suffered from severe depression from a very young age but fooled most people with my fake smiles and fake laughter but the only person I was really fooling was myself.

    I had a complete breakdown and I now stumble through life rather than enjoy it. Drugs help of course but I hate being reliant on them.

    Keep up the good work. Is it ok if I follow you?

    1. Thank you for your comment, it's very reassuring to hear from someone who goes though similar experiences.

      Please do feel free to follow, and if you too write a blog send me the link so I can check it out.

      Thank you again.
      Kerry x

  2. I have few words for the kind things you've said about me. Merely two. Thank you.
    Your words have made me see light through the darkness we both sometimes share. I hope things settle, improve and the cycle stops. And if you ever need an ear I'm always about. I may not respond immediately, but I will respond.

  3. This is an eye-opening post, Kerry. You and Spence are both incredibly strong people. I only have the vaguest idea of what you are going through on a daily basis as my father-in-law is also bi-polar and has been on medication for almost 30 years. It's a veritable demon, and one you seem to be taking firmly by the throat. I wish you all the luck in the world. This is a great outlet for your frustrations and concerns. You write so well. Keep blogging and keep strong. :)

    1. Thank you very much Claire, although I'm not entirely sure that I am a proactive at dealing with things as you seem to think!!

      I will, however try and make a conscious effort to blog over here more than I currently do. (my parenting blog does slightly better in the update front!)

      Thank you very much for your support.

      Kerry x

  4. A very brave post. I wish you all the best in dealing with life.