M. I. A

It's days like today that I miss my online friends.

They were my support system. Non judging, empathetic, fabulous friends.

A couple in particular who understood my moods and needs at any given time are very much missed.

When I'm happy or manic they would come along for the ride and calm me when things got a little crazy.

When I'm depressed or panicked, they knew exactly what to say and do to keep me from hitting rock bottom and striking out.

I love them, dearly.

Days like today, I realise just how much I depended on those friends. Friends I must have exhausted, yet they were always there when I needed them. And now they're not.
Not through any fault of their own, I must add.

Today was a good day. Today was a relaxed, calm, positive day. I felt truly happy, for the first time in months. Not crazy manic, false happy, as my bipolar disorder usually dictates.
I can't explain how wonderful it felt. How at peace I was!

That euphoric feeling lasted about an hour.

I won't go into the specifics of who, what, or how this feeling disappeared. All you need to know is that it did, in quite a spectacular kick in the gut until you vomit kind of fashion.

It's days like today that I realise that I have no one. No support network. No family that understands. No friends with the ability to say one sentence to me and make all of this hurt disappear.

I'm isolated. I'm lonely. My friends are M. I. A. and as much as I want to cling to them and ask for help, I know I can't.

That. That, is the worst feeling in the whole entire world for me.