Falling Starlett

The Crying Game

2011-11-04T10:05:00.000Z

Most people have days when they feel 'down' or 'low' or maybe even 'depressed'.
Most people also don't talk about those days.
For most people, it passes as quickly as it came.
I am not most people.

Most of last week, and the start of this week, I was in the manic phase of my Bipolar Disorder.
I do not realise when this happens. I only realise when it stops. And, when it stops, it doesn't just fizzle out or tapper off.. It. Just. Stops.

Everyone's had that feeling when they're falling asleep and then suddenly, without warning jolted awake by the sensation of falling, yes?
It feels a lot like that. Except, you're not asleep. And you're not safely tucked up in your bed, or on the sofa. And you are really falling. Not in the litteral sense of losing balance, of course. It's an internal sense of slowmotion falling. You can see it. you can feel it, you can do absolutely nothing about it.

It hits hard. And fast.
It's unbearable.

You will never hear a sufferer of Bipolar say that they don't like the manic side of the disorder. But, it is distructive. There is a sudden burst of unbelievable energy. Unstopable confidence that knows no bounds. Things you would never normally consider doing seem attractive and exciting. There are no consequences to your actions. Everything is a blur.

The people around a Bipolar sufferer will more often than not state that the depressive side of the disorder is easier to cope with. It's a 'stable' behaviour. There are no surprises in the depression. It is just long, dark and bleak.

I'm quite good at hiding it in public. At home, my husband sees it all. I try to remember to use this blog to air things out a little, but when you have extreems in mood, sitting down to write things like this doesn't often appeal.

Today, I write this as I have been crying for the past 2hours. I had finally plucked up enough courage to speak to my GP again and ask for more help. I called the surgery, but was unable to get an appointment today as they are only taking emergencies. I was told to call back on Monday morning.

The problem is that after months of struggling with the decision to ask for more help, through no fault of my own, I am today unable to get that help. The courage will disappear over the weekend. Honestly though, it already has. To try and regain that feeling.. To start another day that strong.. I know deep down, it's unlikely to happen for a very long time. So I will struggle on.

M. I. A

2011-10-01T08:23:00.001+01:00

It's days like today that I miss my online friends.

They were my support system. Non judging, empathetic, fabulous friends.

A couple in particular who understood my moods and needs at any given time are very much missed.

When I'm happy or manic they would come along for the ride and calm me when things got a little crazy.

When I'm depressed or panicked, they knew exactly what to say and do to keep me from hitting rock bottom and striking out.

I love them, dearly.

Days like today, I realise just how much I depended on those friends. Friends I must have exhausted, yet they were always there when I needed them. And now they're not.
Not through any fault of their own, I must add.

Today was a good day. Today was a relaxed, calm, positive day. I felt truly happy, for the first time in months. Not crazy manic, false happy, as my bipolar disorder usually dictates.
I can't explain how wonderful it felt. How at peace I was!

That euphoric feeling lasted about an hour.

I won't go into the specifics of who, what, or how this feeling disappeared. All you need to know is that it did, in quite a spectacular kick in the gut until you vomit kind of fashion.

It's days like today that I realise that I have no one. No support network. No family that understands. No friends with the ability to say one sentence to me and make all of this hurt disappear.

I'm isolated. I'm lonely. My friends are M. I. A. and as much as I want to cling to them and ask for help, I know I can't.

That. That, is the worst feeling in the whole entire world for me.

Diary of me. Tuesday wk 3

2011-08-02T13:00:00.001+01:00

Tuesday 2nd august 2011

Audioboo again today, due to lack of control over tears.

Audioboo

Don't worry.. I won't do anything stupid.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Diary of Me week 2

2011-07-25T09:48:00.001+01:00

No VLog, just an audioboo today.

Audioboo

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Diary of Me -Friday

2011-07-22T13:04:00.001+01:00

Friday 22nd July.

YouTube Video

Diary of Me- Thursday

2011-07-21T11:06:00.001+01:00

Thursday 21st July.

YouTube Video

Diary of Me - Wednesday

2011-07-20T14:09:00.001+01:00

Wednesday 20th July 2011.

The social stigma of depression.
Today's video is a bit long and I can't get it to upload yet.

It is My daughters 4th birthday, and I'm trying to be 'Happy' Mumma for her.
She has some friends from Nursery coming over for a tea party and disco, so the house will be full of little kids.

The social stigma of depression is getting to me a little today, after a 'real life' friend saw my vlogs and didn't understand at all.

This makes me very upset and angry that people just dismiss mental health issues without bothering to even try to understand what the other person feels like on a daily basis..

Diary of Me-Tuesday

2011-07-20T10:05:00.002+01:00

Vlog or Tuesday 19th July 2011.

YouTube Video

Diary of Me

2011-07-19T09:51:00.001+01:00

Following a consultation with my GP and my Therapist yesterday (Monday 18th July) the idea of a video diary was mentioned to try and help me visually track my bipolar mood cycles.

So I figured that I'd give it a whirl, can't hurt, right?

This blog is where I tend to rant on about my depression, so it only seemed natural that this should host my video diary.

I am NOT posting this here for comments. And when I have more than 5 mins between school runs and nappy changes I will figure out how to turn comments off.

In the mean time, if you don't like what you see/hear then please don't try and make me feel worse by leaving nasty comments, just, y'know, use that little red 'x' in the top right of your screen.. Thanks.

So, This. Is. Me.

I'm not a glamours 20-something Mum. My hair is messy, I haven't any make up on. I have huge bags under my eyes from not sleeping due to insomnia, I have 4 young kids and I have Bipolar type 2 disorder.

Time heals all..?

2011-01-11T18:24:00.000Z

"I'm coming to see you"
"No! It's OK. I'm alright, really"
"I'm coming to see you, I'm not taking no for an answer"

Shit!

This was the moment I had been dreading for months.
He'd never met my parents, or any of my family, for that matter.

I felt the panic rising up inside my chest. My heart raced, my breathing became uneven, shallow and quick.
I felt dizzy, faint. My mind ran through scenarios - none of them good.

The meeting, thankfully short, but not without huge embarrassment and plenty of childish ridicule.
I spent the next few weeks apologising.

Luckily he stayed. Not deterred by the family from hell.

Ten years later and I am still apologising, not just for that initial meeting, but for every thing and every day since.

I feel ashamed. Totally ashamed.

I know what you're thinking.. "Everyone has someone in their family who is an embarrassment"

What I'm saying is, that that statement is true, but it's not just 1 family member it's pretty much the entire bunch!

They are not just embarrassing, they are a group of deceitful, rude, selfish, nasty, money-grabbing, two-faced, lazy, cheating, immoral, horrendous human beings.

Sounds harsh? They're my family. I don't want to feel like this about them, yet they give me little choice.

I've given them 28 years of chances. Every single day of my life, I try my hardest to make good choices, to put others first (even them) to raise my family in the complete opposite way of which I was raised.

I don't ever want my children growing up to feel the way I do about my family. I will not let that happen.

Out of the 23 people in the family, there are very few of whom I feel proud of. In fact there's just four.
I am one of those four. I've risen above, removed myself.

I am not perfect. Far, far from it. I make mistakes (this could be one of them) but I learn from them. I grow. I love, I nurture.

I am a good person and it's taken a very long time for me to realise that.

My father was an alcoholic with a heavy fist. He died choking on his own Scotch infused vomit.

My mother is a weak, attention seeking, selfish woman who is not deserving of the chances and opportunities she has had in her life.

My step father, who took on this woman and her four children was heavy handed, but to his credit has grown in recent years to become an almost respectable human being, but panders to my mothers every whim, despite presumably better judgement.

My eldest sister, now in her 30's is more of less my mothers clone.
A mother of three herself, she disappoints me the most. Although 5 years my senior, we were close growing up. She fell pregnant at the age of 15 with her 25 year old partner. They married a year later in Gretna Green. To this day I don't think either of them has ever really loved the other.

Parenting wise, she could do a lot better, yet most of this was a learnt behaviour, she has never tried to improve.

She lies.
Terrible, unforgivable lies, which devastate me. She, my once 'favourite' sister has destroyed all of the faith, love and hope I once had in her. I am deeply hurt by her behaviour and mortified by her actions.

My brother, 2 years my junior is just like our father.
He's an aggressive, abusive, lying, cheating boy who has never grown up, despite the fact he has 3 children.

He drinks, smokes, takes drugs and is in and out of jobs more times than seems possible.
He is in the midst of a divorce, mainly due to the fact that he cheated on his wife and mother of his 2 eldest children with a desperate young 'lady' who by her own admissions was "looking for someone to give her a baby" and low and behold, a baby she got!
CSA are heavily involved with both woman as he rarely bothers seeing or paying for any of his children.

He is currently shacked up with a woman nearer our mother's age than his, who has a son herself only a year younger than him!

Another 'Mummy Clone' is my youngest sister.
She's married with a son. She cheated her way (as did the rest of my siblings) into a council house, which is always unclean.
She begs, steals and borrows from anyone she can.
She rarely plays with her son, favouring the TV as a replacement mum, while she smokes and chats on web cams.

She relies on her mother in law to provide clothes for her son, and food for her family as she claims to only ever have £10 for the weekly shop. She and her husband both earn money, but choose to spend it on DVD's , console games, fags and takeaways for themselves.

I am obviously not going to target any of the children in the family or my half sisters, as they are too young, but needless to say, some of their actions over the past couple of years have already shown me that they are nearing the side of their peers, despite all of my efforts.

Are you beginning to see my point? Or maybe you still think that this is pretty standard family crap?!

Maybe this will convince you..

I was born with dark hair and olive skin, which I love now, yet when I was growing up, I used to pray to God that I could win the lottery or something so that I could copy Michael Jackson and have my skin bleached... Seriously!

Even at the age of 4, the torment was so strong, that things like this would enter my head.
It wasn't an attention thing or a cry for help. I never once uttered a single word to any family or friends.
It was simply a plea to stop the bullying. I didn't realise it was bulling back then of course, but my mother knew better.

Instead of consoling her upset, sobbing child, she'd join in with the 'fun'.

This 'joke' carried on for years, in fact I can't remember a time when this wasn't a factor, and even now after all these years they still tease menacingly, trying to get a reaction.

"You're different because you're black. You were adopted, you're not really meant to be here.."

Physical and mental abuse was always present in my childhood.

Being hit across the lower back and the tops of my thighs with thick leather belts and their metal buckles seemed to be the preferred method of attack, with a few well placed wallops with the heel of a heavy shoe or boot across the knee caps saved for special occasions.

They've accused me of being 'better' than them, and of me thinking that I'm 'posh' because I followed a different path. I got out. I made something of myself, despite the shit they tried to hold me back with.

I found a great partner and together we are raising 4 well behaved, balanced, beautiful, intelligent children who are looked after and are loved with everything we have.

I am not 'posh' You read my blog, my tweets.. I'm a long way off posh!
I am better than them though.
The pure fact that I do not bully or try to injure my children makes me better than them.

I work hard everyday of my life to not get drawn in by all of their shit, but it's difficult. Sometimes they win.
Sometimes I'm tired of fighting.
Sometimes I'm that 4 year old child with no voice.

Even now, even after all these years they can still hurt me. I don't know how to stop that.

It's the little things. They get me.
They can always be relied on for their magnificent manipulation skills.

If it weren't for my half sisters, contact would be birthday and Christmas cards only.

I wish I were stronger. The kind of person that could just walk away.
But.. They're my family. No matter how much I want to disappear and start over just me and my family.
A tie is a tie, and I'm just not that strong.
Not just yet.

Snow Angel

2010-12-01T18:22:00.000Z

Silent Sunday

2010-11-21T19:57:00.000Z

See the others here.

Dear me - Part deux

2010-11-10T19:59:00.000Z

In my last post I felt very lost and alone.

In this post I will be explaining why today, I feel the exact opposite!

Bipolar is a funny thing.

It's not something you can freely talk about for the most part. People don't understand. Mostly, and even from the OH, I get 'Are you on your period or something?' This annoys me beyond belief.

I get the comments like 'Just take some happy pills', 'It can't be that bad' and 'It's just depression' and of course there are my personal faves 'It's only a phase, we all go through it at some point' and 'Snap out of it'
Brilliant. Remind me to call you when I'm having moments of despair and panic attacks, for your very comforting and supportive words, that should pull me right on through.

Thankfully, this week bought with it some exciting news!
I will be attending CyberMummy on 25th June 2011 in London.
Now this, in its own right is worthy of all of my excitement flooding out of me in one fell swoop, but Monday morning, Drew and I woke up and decided to make the most of it (The lure of our very first overnighter without the kids was too much) and get hitched the day before the conference!

So having made that very impromptu decision, we contacted our local registry office and booked the date and time of our wedding!

It's taken us ten years and 4 children to come to this decision, but hey, all good things come to those who wait, right?.. Well, let's hope so.

These two HUGE events in my life (Sorry to all of you romantics out there, but I do rate these events equally huge and exciting) have bought about the hyper side of my Bipolar. I'm now whizzing about like an out of control spinning top.

Some may think that this is brilliant, that I'm happy and excited and to a certain extent, it is. I mean, I do like feeling happy and I love feeling excited, but the down side is that Bipolar takes these feelings to the extreme.

Sleeping is a no go area. My brain is far too hyperactive. My body is exhausted. I mean, really exhausted.
Bipolar pushes you to your limits in every way and breaks through the boundaries of feelings you never thought you as a person would feel.

I have yet to find a way of 'balancing' these emotions and instead I seem to cycle through them at an alarming rate.

But for now I am content being happy and excited and will begin my preparations for next year.

Dear Me..

2010-10-29T13:18:00.000+01:00

I know very little about myself.

I've never taken a gap year, or travelled the world. I've taken very few risks in my life.

I aim to please others. I don't know why. It's not that I want everyone I meet to 'like' me (Although, does anyone set out to not want people to like them?!)

I aim to please those closest to me. To do this, I've put myself into positions that I really didn't want to be in just to make the people I care about most, happy.

I flit. I drift dangerously between being a 'worrier' and an 'optimist'.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a partner and most importantly, a mother.

These are the few things I know.
Other things have been lost through the years.

Many close to me don't notice the sacrifices that I have made over the years for them. Maybe I come across as a doormat with the world 'Welcome' printed across my forehead. And that wouldn't be their fault. It would most definitely be mine.

I'm not sure why I do it.. Really - I don't have a clue.
I'm not scared of saying 'No'. I'm not frightened that I will lose certain people if I put my foot down.

It doesn't make me happy to put others first in everything I do.

If I want to do something for myself, I feel guilty. It's huge immense guilt.

I fee sick at the thought of taking something away from my family, be it time or money.

In reality, I need to take some of that for me. I know this. However, instead, I continue to struggle, as I know it will not be compensated for.

I have some strong opinions.
Opinions of how I should raise my children.
I have opinions about friendship, family, love and religion.

These opinions shape me, but they don't make me.

I've never tried to 'find myself' like some do.
What if I don't like what I find? Can I change myself? Can I forget what I find and search for a new and improved me?

What if I look and I don't find anything? Or what if I find the 'me' I love so much, that it changes everything?

It's easier not to look. It's easier to carry on and not rock the boat.

There's always so much going on to take time out.

One day, maybe, I'll take the plunge. One day, maybe I'll find myself. One day, maybe I'll be completely happy.

For now I will do my best to carry on and put a smile on my face and hope that one day, maybe I'll just feel 'normal' again.

Catch up

2010-10-03T23:54:00.000+01:00

I've been rushed off my feet recently, what with work and the kids and everything that goes with being a mummy of 4 with a house to run, blah, blah, blah..

The bipolar, which I thought I was finally starting to get a handle on, gave me one truly devastating kick up the arse and knocked me for six for a couple of weeks.

The diet that I was doing so well with, crashed and burned as the weather turned colder and wetter and any energy that I could muster was spent shoveling an extensive amount of crap into my mouth.

I'm only now just starting to manage to peel myself off of the sofa again and get back out into the big bad world. The panic attacks have returned, making this no easy feat.

I have been trying my hand at a bit of extra curricular activity recently too. If you follow my other blog, you will know what I'm talking about, and if you don't, why the hell not?? Get on over there and have a look!
www.lifethruasippycup.blogspot.com

I'm pushing myself to get back on track and start living my life again.
This week, I went to the cinema with Drew and also had my first girlie night in ages, got drunk and danced very publicly, like a complete idiot to Michael Jackson's 'Smooth Criminal' (long story!).

Next week, I will be going out for coffee with some friends, talking weddings (eek!) going swimming, and taking some long walks.

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

Blognonymous - A response

2010-09-07T16:28:00.000+01:00

I am writing this in response to a beautifully honest Blognonymous post on the lovely Jay's blog, Mocha Beanie Mummy
The title of this post was 'Warning-Dead baby alert' and you can find it here.

I have had mixed reactions writing / talking about this subject. And it is only recently that I have started to talk about it.

Like the anonymous lady who wrote the post, I too have glossed over details and put a smile on my face and tried to put it to the back of my mind. But why should parents, like us, be made to feel guilty or wrong by speaking up about our experiences?

We don't comment on others blogs regarding their 'perfect' birth stories or doting mother style posts about their great lives with their fabulous living children. We respect them. We comment (if desired) appropriately, while hiding our grief that we never got to enjoy those feelings or have those memories with our own child/ren.

If you don't want to read a post containing a taboo subjects, don't read it.
What I, and I suspect many other parents of children who are no longer with us, would give to be able to just hit that little red 'X' at the top of our screens and close down those words. Those thoughts and feelings, as if they had never happened.

A blog is a personal space, for which we should be able to write whatever we want to. The definition of a blog is

'A website that allows users to reflect, share opinions, and discuss various topics in the form of an online journal'

We invite people to read these blogs. Not for all the 'followers' (well, I certainly don't anyway) Not to 'show off' or publicise ourselves. Many, like me invite people to read their blogs, simply to feel alive. To feel like a real person in the world and sometimes, just sometimes, when writing posts like the Blognonymous one mentioned above, inspire, strengthen and help others by speaking up about our horrific experiences, as well as our great.

I have nothing but admiration for these people. Their strength helps me to continue along my path and know that I am not alone in my experiences, good or bad.

Brand new blog!

2010-09-03T11:35:00.000+01:00

Guess what?! I have a brand spanking new sparkly blog!!!

I will still be updating Falling Starlett, (and I know I haven't updated here for a while but that's because I've been busy creating my new blog!)

So click this link and follow the new blog, Life through a Sippy cup!

The new blog is more about the kids and family life then Falling Starlett is, so go check it out and read through the new posts!

Kez xx

Thought for the week..

2010-08-17T19:43:00.001+01:00

This one is doing the rounds via Email, but I liked it, so thought I would share!

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water..
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'
The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'
'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them..'
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
SO, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

Savvy savings..

2010-08-17T15:13:00.000+01:00

Like most young family's, we pretty much live pay cheque to pay cheque.

We have a savings account in which we put some of our hard earned cash into each month. Not as much as I'd have liked, but it's there all the same and it does make a big difference.

We also have a Christmas fund, making the annual event a whole lot less stressful, especially given the amount of people we have to buy for at that time of year.

We also have a Tesco Club Card, a Nectar Card, a Boot Advantage Card and we collect the in store food stamps at Tesco, Sainsburys and Iceland to help with the ever mounting costs of a growing family.

I avidly look for ways of saving money where ever I can. The following site has truly been a life saver at times and I want to share it all with you.

The lovely Martin Lewis at MSE is an invaluable source of knowledge!

It will take you months to get through all of the brilliant money saving tips and ideas on the site and I can't express enough just how wonderful it is.

Martin is also the author/editor of some brilliant money saving books.

This site really does cover everything that you could possibly want to try and save money on and includes all of the latests offers and discounts from food to days out to holidays and weddings. You name it, someone on Martin's site has covered it!

Go and check it out today.. now in fact! I guarentee it will save you money somewhere.
And while you're there, sign up for the free weekly emails which are packed full of yet more money saving ideas.

Criticism

2010-08-16T21:53:00.000+01:00

Following on from my last blog post, you will know that I'd received some nasty comments from an 'Anonymous' person, who is apparently a parent of a child who goes to my children's school.

This person obviously doesn't know me very well, judging my their comments.

I do not seek public approval. Or approval from anyone in fact.
I will gladly take criticism, when it is due.

If this person was so very concerned about mine or my children's behaviour, why write an anonymous comment? Why not come and see me face to face? Or send me a message?

Clearly this person has some kind of distorted view of me and my family. And I would be more then happy to discus any genuine concerns that this person may have.

I am a good person, and a good mother. I have nothing to hide. I do not claim to be perfect.
These are the messages sent to me by this person.

Fed very well? Isn't it you who is always tweeting about feeding your baby cocktail sausages and burgers? Full of salt? Which you aren't supposed to include in any child's diet under the age of 1 year!?
Wotsits as a breakfast staple?
4 types of carbs in one meal - what was it? Wedges, pasta, yorkshire puddings, and I forget the other. Again, all processed crap.
No food in the house when you return from holidays.
I sit, aghast, reading your tweets and wonder how long it will be before one of them ends up with kidney failure

Now just to point out that the above comment is partly true. Although, this would of course assume that I never home make any of my children's meals.

I did indeed tweet last week while on holiday about Wotsists being a breakfast staple. This was not a literal statement. I do not let my children eat Wotsists for breakfast. They had already had cereal and toast that morning, but had been up very early and were hungry again and asked for a bag of the aforementioned crisps.

Again, 'Anon' was correct in saying that I provided several types of carbs in one meal. However, this was not for all of my children, this was for the baby, who at 9months old is still getting to grips with weaning and prefers 'proper' food as apposed to pureed. I had given him lots of different things (not just carbs) to try at this particular meal time to see what he liked. All but the pasta was homemade I might add.

The 'No food in the house following holiday' tweet was again correct. This did only refer to me as I am on a diet and my other half hadn't shopped for my diet. The children were very well catered for.

Another comment from this person:

Not printing my acurate comments though hey Kerry.
Hum, no I don't post on just anyone's blogs, just people whose kids go to my kids' school and whose behaviour I am very concerned about.
I couldn't 'unfollow' you as I am not on Twitter, just managed to track you down on here as you are very easy to find - desperate for public approval, and eager to comment on others' behaviour but unable to take criticism when it is deserved. You have admitted it is deserved by not printing my previous comments.

While some of your comments were accurate, they were not in context.

Oh and just so you know, I do not sit at the computer all day, the wonderful thing about technology is that you can keep up with the world on the move. Handy little things, iPhone's and the like are.. It means I can post updates from where ever I am, be it the park, a holiday site, or my home. It literally takes seconds and I can do this while getting on with my daily routines.

Like I said, I have nothing to hide, I do my best, like all mothers.
And like I often say, I'm not perfect, who is?
I give my children the odd sweet and bag of crisps. I let them watch cartoons and play video games. I even buy them McDonald's every now and then. And hell while I'm at it, I'll admit that I drive a people carrier, I don't grow my own veggies and my tumble dryer is on most days regardless of the weather..

Start as you mean to go on..

2010-08-16T14:23:00.000+01:00

..Fuck I hope not!

I'll set the scene for you.

It's a wet, windy and stupidly cold August Monday morning.
Last night was bad. All 4 kids woke more then once each which is not the norm, so I'm mega tired.
I have a migraine. The kind that makes you feel you as if you have been hit by a train.
I can barely open my eyes through the pain, and when I do all I can see are coloured spots, like someone has been taking flash photography.

Drew leaves for the Doctor's surgery to have his stitches removed before going in to work.
I reluctantly pull myself from my bed and throw on some clothes. As I begin to walk down the stairs, the following happens.

CRASH...BANG...THUD... SMASH

I feel disorientated as I hear the screaming coming from the kitchen.

I run to the living room and am greeting my my 6 year old. She's wet. She's shouting above her sisters' cries.

I make my way past her to the kitchen. The scene that greets me is chaotic. The 5 and 3 year olds are standing there shouting and screaming and crying.. They are both wet too.

I carefully lift them over the carnage that once resembled my kitchen. They are both shaken, but unhurt.

The floor resembles the shallow end of a swimming pool, but it is not water across the floor, it is oil.

It seems that the numerous tellings off and trips to the naughty step for the 6 year old have not paid off.

She decided to climb on top of the the chest freezer, using my washing basket (full to over flowing with last weeks dirty holiday clothes) as a step and then to stop herself from falling back down, she heaved herself up on the steel utility shelving above which housed the following items:

A set of 3 Le Creuset pans, a 6L slow cooker, 2 measuring jugs, AND a deep fat fryer.

The full basket of clothes have had to be thrown out. They were drenched in oil. They are gone.

My wash basket. Destroyed.

The utility shelves, gone, along with some of the plaster from the wall.

The fryer is still in pieces, yet to be considered salvageable or not.

Luckily the pans survived, although one of their lids didn't.

The slow cooker is OK

The jugs. Gone.

The kitchen floor will be OK. However, for now it will be used as an ice rink as I just cannot get the greasiness off.

The beige living room carpet is another right off. There are now 4 sets of oily foot prints clearly visible making their way from the kitchen.

To say that I am angry would be the understatement of the decade. The amount of money it is going to cost us to put this mess right is immense.

It has taken me 4 hours to clean it up and it is still not 100% finished. I have used 6 whole rolls of kitchen towel half a bottle of washing up liquid and a full bottle of bleach to try and remove the greasy feeling from the vinyl, with little success.

Don't get me wrong, I am relieved that none of the children were injured, really I am.

But I am ready to kill today.. In fact I don't know how I have managed to control myself.

My chest is hurting, I have cried and my migraine isn't any better, but I've had to cope and carry on.

I needed to write this blog to get it off of my chest so that I don't take it out on the kids.

Any tips for the floor would be very much appreciated!!!

Potatoes are made from sheep..

2010-08-07T18:04:00.001+01:00

I'm stressing that I haven't even begun to pack for our week long trip to Kent.
We leave on Monday, and I have yet to get the cases down from the attic!

I decided that a very quick, trashy dinner would do for the kids and served up some sausages and Alphabites.
The kids all love Alphabites, they love to spell their names out on their plates, so who am I to argue?
It's an educational dinner, right?

Then it happened. Out of the blue, the 5 year old turns to me and says
"What's this made from?"
Holding up a half eaten Alphabite.
I reply with
"Potato"

"Yeah, but what is it?"
"Potato!".
"Yes Mum, I know, but what's it really made of? Is it sheep?"
"What?"
"Is this made of sheep?"
"Huh? No!It's potato!"
"But it's white and fluffy"
"That's what potatoes look like!"
She turns to her sister, and mutters
"Ah, so it is sheep!"

Me *sharp intake of breath, closes open mouth and walks away in disbelief*

Parks, picnics and 17 kids..

2010-08-06T22:17:00.004+01:00

Today, we had a 'Ghost Hill School' meet up at a local park.

Che, in his new O'baby Stroller

I loaded up Che's new O'Baby stroller (which I bloody love, by the way!) with picnic food, beakers, changing bag, potty, rugs and of course the camera and off we set for the 25min walk to the park.

When we arrived, there were quite a few of our fellow comrades there waiting for us.

After a quick head count, I realised that we had 17 children with us aged between 9months and 8 years old, with 7 adults supervising!

Out came the sun, and the picnic blankets and a whole hoard of food!

There was laughter and happiness in the air. All the kids got on and there wasn't a single fight.

All of the babies managed a little nap under the shade of a big tree, as the older kids climbed another.

Alice, Hannah, Ava, Lauryn and Jacob

I really couldn't have asked for a better day.
To be able to share it with so many of my friends and their families was the icing on the cake.

And I've now got some fab photo's and memories to boot!

Ashley

Nathan and Che, the babies of the group

Cheeky little Rocco

Not for the easily offended..

2010-08-05T02:09:00.000+01:00

As my bipolar cycles kick into overdrive, I have come to realise that no one is safe when I am at the top of my 'game'.

It seems that I turn into some crazed wild animal, ready to pounce upon my prey at a seconds notice.

It really is a need. An obsessive, compulsive itch that must be scratched.

I don't want meaningful 'love' making, I need rough, hard, give it to me right now hot kinda sex.
Once is never enough.

I feel incredibly powerful, and sexy. I'd even go as far as to say irresistible. (?!)

The need to be touched and paid attention to, is acutely strong.

My persona distinctly changes and I become this seriously over confident, lustful, nymphomaniac.
I wear out my poor other half, who doesn't know what the hell has hit him, and I still want more!

I have no control over this. Seriously. I have tried to curb my 'enthusiasum' to little or no effect.

I am frustrated beyond belief. And nothing helps.

I feel like I've been torn in two. Mild schizophrenia or something?
One day I am Kerry, mother of 4, dowdy housewife. The next, I'm Kerry, filth for brains, sex crazed MILF!!!

Apparently, or so my Doctor says, this is completely normal for someone like myself who suffers with such intense cycles of Bipolar. I have been told to 'go with the flow' and to 'play out my fantasies'

The problem is, it's not about 'fantasy' it's simply about the urgent need to have huge bouts of sex. Over and over and over again.

I find people, in general more sexy. More appealing and attractive. I find talking about sex easier.
Of course, I would never, EVER, even for one second contemplate anyone but Drew. (Well, there is 'The List' obviously, but everyone has one of them. The unlikely chance meeting of a overly perfect hot celeb when you can have one night and not answer for it..)

Is it unrealistic of me to want to have that kind of great 'got to have it, rough, dirty' kind of sex that you see in the movies? (and I'm not talking porn here people)
The kind of sex which leaves you both feeling drained and breathless and glowing.

Now, I'm not saying for a moment, that the sex I do have isn't up to standard, believe me I have no issues on that score! But it's a different kind of fulfilment. A different itch which needs to be scratched in a particular way.

Maybe it is all about fantasy after all..

Release

2010-08-05T00:31:00.000+01:00

I am writing this post for the beautiful Josie's Writing Workshop.
I have chosen the prompt : Release.

The empty pages before me are crying out to be bought to life.
A little doodle here, a phone number there. They don't mind how you resurrect them.

I have a passion for bettering myself. Well at least trying to.
I try to be creative. I try not to be disheartened when I realise that my efforts aren't in anyway close to those around me. I just concentrate on the feeling of how proud I was that I'd finished something that I wanted to achieve.

Writing this blog is an achievement. I know, it's not much. And I'm very aware that I can not 'write'.
But it's an achievement for me none the less.

When I have time, I like to try my hand at painting. I have painted a few canvas'.
None great, but again I am proud that they are recognised and they are displayed in my living room for all to see.

Music. Music (as it is well documented in this blog) is my most productive form of release.
It lifts my mood when I'm down and carries me along when I'm soring through the clouds.
It's as if it knows me better then I ever knew myself.

Then there is of course, the one thing that unites the world. It's a renowned feel-good measure.Sex.
Break up sex, make up sex. Meaningful sex and even a sordid 'quicky' in the back of a car..

Many things release me from the cage that I have become trapped in over recent years, and I am so very grateful for the occasional break.

This page has now been born again.
Like a Phoenix rising from it's flames. It's beautiful. It's colourful and it will last forever.
I have been released from my cage of entrapment once again.

My Last Fight..

2010-07-30T11:16:00.000+01:00

So, I haven't blogged much recently.
I have been busy. Really, REALLY busy.

I have been feeling totally overwhelmed by life over the past couple of weeks.
I can't breath. I'm being 'water boaded' and never left to rest.

I know that to some of you, that statement sounds 'dramatic' and 'violent' but it truly sums up my present feelings. And if you have ever suffered from severe depression, you will probably know where I'm coming from.

I feel like I'm drowning, being held down under the water for soo long, I give up.
But just as soon as I give in to this feeling, something pulls me to the surface just long enough to gasp for air before holding me back down again.

The icy water, makes me feel numb and my chest burns from my last solitary breath.
I have tried to keep up appearances, to show a 'happy' face to those who know me. To say "I'm fine.." when asked, but really, I'm not.

This world is plotting against me with an awesome force.
It never gets easier.
Grey turns into black, sun turns into rain, joy turns into pain.

Cruel, evil powers are at force and I am paralyzed. I cannot fight them, they have dug their claws in too deep.

It's too late for me. I have been over powered.
I will battle against that final breath to keep 'them' away from my children. I will not let 'them' take my precious family.

You may have won the battle, but you will never win the war. I will fight you 'til my death, and haunt you 'til yours.

I am clinging on. Waiting for that gasp of air, longing to feel the burn in my lungs.
Hoping beyond hope, that this will not be my last fight.

Beauty is everywhere

2010-07-28T15:17:00.000+01:00

This weeks Gallery theme is 'Nature'

I have a couple of photos. They are of my 5 year old daughter, Ashley Jay.

She has the most amazing blue eyes and the cutest curls that tumble down around her face.
She is, in my eyes, a natural beauty.

I snapped these on a beautiful, sunny day in our garden.

Gorgeous clear blue skies overhead, with the odd sprinkling of fluffy pure white cloud.

You can't get a more peaceful, stunning photo of 'nature' then that.

I hope you enjoy these as much as I LOVE them.

(I have had them blown up big and are going to be placed in my living room!)

Inception, the beginning of the end?

2010-07-24T21:21:00.000+01:00

This week, Drew and I celebrated our 10th anniversary.
To celebrate, we went for a meal and then to the cinema to see the new much raved about movie, Inception.

I have to admit. I was dubious.
I'm not the biggest Leonardo Di Caprio fan in the world, which put me off at the very start.
However, the story line intrigued me. Planting ideas into someones mind, via appearing in their dreams.. Sounds great, right?

WRONG!

The story line was made overly complicated, to make it sound better then it was, by giving you a head ache trying to keep up.

The special effects that have 'hyped' up the film since it opened, were absolutely nothing compared to the likes of The Matrix.

It's all been seen before. It was certainly nothing new or special. It didn't live up to all the hype and excitement that is surrounding it. The acting wasn't brilliant. And it was unnecessarily long.

I was extremely disappointed with this film, and it took 2 and a half hours of my life, of which I can never get back.

Dearest Family..

2010-07-13T14:25:00.001+01:00

The end of an era is upon us

Ten year... Ten years it's been since we met.
A decade of ups and downs, hugs and kisses. A decade of love and war, weakness and strength.

10years of you, of me, of us.

Four children. Three beautiful daughters and a handsome son. Our child bearing days are now over.
It's scary. It's all gone so fast.

Finished are the days of sterilized bottles and making formula feeds.

Come October, we will celebrate our last ever 1st birthday.

Where have the days gone? The years have disappeared through the cracks in this imperfect world.

Our hopes and dreams have got lost along the way, our journey - haphazard.

We have arrived at the same destination. Together and stronger then ever.

I wanted to get married this year.
To end our first 10years on a high, having done all of the ground work. Start our next ten years as a fully formed unit.

A building block to our 'new-look' future together.

We are no longer forming a family, we are now shaping one.

Our beautiful, loving, wonderful family.

2010 is the end of an era.

I can't wait to start a new decade, a new life, a new era with you, and our gorgeous children.

Here's to the next ten years together. Full of hope, happiness, fulfilment, love and trust.

I love you all.

Running from the World.

2010-07-12T13:34:00.000+01:00

I have been running for a long time now.

Running from the past, and the future and especially the present.

Exhaustion set in a while back.
The feeling of the wind rushing through my hair and the hot sun of my face has kept me going. I don't want to stop. I'm not sure I can.

The past is a funny thing. It shapes you. Makes you the person you are today.
I'm not sure what kind of person I am. I like to think that I'm strong, that I'm a better person. More compassionate. More lenient. Yet still I run.

I want to be in a world that stops for a breath. That's totally uncomplicated. That's free and easy and nurturing.

I crave peace and calm. Space and time.
But time travels faster then me. It runs through my fingers like tiny grains of sand. Slipping away, forever.
I can't catch it up or slow it down. I can't go back and right my wrongs. So I just keep running.

My little world is bright and colourful. It's musical and wondrous.It's peaceful and still. It's Heaven on Earth.
I run to it often. My only escape from the real world that drains me to my very core.

I have been running for a long time.

___________________________________________

This post was written for Josie's Writing Workshop.

For the love of Music

2010-07-07T11:11:00.000+01:00

Today I have indulged in my favourite past time.. Music.

I have pretty much all day been plugged into my iPod.

After 6 hours of 'techy' stuff yesterday, trying to get all the songs I wanted put on to the damn thing, I finally got a near perfect 5 hour play list.

Everything from the likes of The Beatles and Michael Bublé to Oasis, Orson, Kelly Clarkson, The Jacksons, Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse!

I loved escaping my life (albeit interrupted, what with school runs, nappies, feeds, and potty training etc)

I had forgotten the immense joy that listening to my favourite music gives me.

My days are filled with being 'Mummy' with Nick Jr. Playhouse Disney and Cbeebies being my daily soundtrack. I have indirectly learnt every single word to every single kids programmes theme tune. That is a very sad fact indeed..

The only time I get to listen to the radio is when I'm in the car. But since the car had been off the road I haven't even had that opportunity.

I feel like I have rediscovered a very small piece of myself today. I realised that I had a little dance in my step and a smile on my face for most of the day.

The kids were happier, I was happier.

You can't beat a good bit of music therapy!

I am going to try and plug myself in to my iPod as much as I can from now on and hope that it gives me the inspiration, happiness and peaceful feeling that it did today.

Thank God for Michael Bublé

2010-07-02T00:01:00.002+01:00

Anyone who knows me well, or follows me on Facebook or Twitter will know, that I am shout it from the roof-tops, walking on cloud 9, head over fricking heels in love with the amazing Mr. Michael Bublé.

The man has it all.. The looks. The charm. The personality. The cheeky grin, and of course.. The talent.

Boy, does he have the talent.

Pure effortless, smooth, wondrous, fantabulous talent.

He sings, he dances, he writes, he croons, I swoon.

Ahem..

I've never really been one to 'fancy' celebrities. That is until recently. I have to admit, a couple have caught my eye of late. But Michael is my perfect crush.

It's not a 'desperate housewife' thing. I'm not bored of my other half, I'm not looking for a bedroom fantasy. It's not a sexual thing at all. Although...

Err, Where was I?

Oh yeah, perfect crush..

I am extremely drawn to the man's talent. His voice is mesmerising to me. I crave it. It gives me a complete high, a rush of lust. Like a million tiny hot kisses on the back of my neck that leave me breathless.

He calms me down when I'm manic. He cheers me up when I'm at my lowest. He helps me along, when I'm happy, and gives me feeling when I'm numb. In short, there is nothing this beautiful man couldn't do for me.

This week my bipolar has hit it's cycle hard. It's thrown me skyward to watch me come crashing back down. It's laughed and pointed and smacked me in the face. It's ripped me to pieces and jeered as I've tried desperately to regain myself.

Through all of this, Michael has been there. Grasping my hand as I've scaled the clouds. Catching me before I've hit rock bottom and holding me tight to glue me back together.

He is my fantasy world, which I can escape to when the real world is holding my head firmly under the water.
I listen to him. So elegant and fluid. So rich and smooth. So very relaxing.

He helps me rest and find peace, something that I can't find alone.

This is why I am in love with him.

This is why I thank God for Michael Bublé.

I get so emotional, baby..

2010-06-30T22:27:00.000+01:00

This week, Tara's Gallery and Josie's Writing Workshop have joined forces to combine two of my most favourite things in the world. The Gallery and The Writing Workshop have, over the past few weeks really helped me to understand, not only myself, but my fellow 'Tweeps' and blogger's.

For this I'm very thankful.

To Tara and Josie,

Thank you for you hard work and inspiration.

This weeks joint prompt is 'Emotions'

This is my entry with my chosen emotion: Remorse.

Each time I look at his photo, I feel the knot in my stomach tighten.

How could I not have known? How could I have thought that I..(me?!) knew best?

My gorgeous little girl. So brave. So strong.

Me, her mother. So weak. So pathetic.

The definition of remorse is 'sadness and disgust' These emotions I know all too well.

Remorse, however, is exactly how I feel looking at this.

My darling daughter, with her arm in a sling, having fallen from her bed.

I feel immense sadness that at the tender age of 5 she had to experience that kind of trauma.

I will forever feel disgusted with myself that I waited 2 days before taking her to the hospital to have her checked over.

In my defence, Lauryn could lift her arm over her head, wiggle her fingers and roll her neck. I assumed she had maybe bruised or possibly jarred her shoulder or arm in some way.

I felt sick when the X-ray reveled a clear break in her collar bone.

'See Mummy? I told you it was really hurting' The words that will haunt me forever.

How could I not have seen she was truly in pain? That there was more to her complaints then just bruising?

How could I have been such a terrible Mother?

My sweet, innocent, gorgeous Lauryn. I am so very sorry. Remorse doesn't come close to the agony that I feel everyday knowing that I messed up so royally.

Call it what you want, remorse, shame, despair, horror, torment, anger, guilt... I feel all of these when I look at your loving face.

I can never make this right.

The day that Tinkerbell died.

2010-06-29T22:15:00.001+01:00

Today has been a long day.

First off, it rained,.
Beautiful, misty droplets of moisture. That lovely smell. The air, so clear and fresh.

Then the cat jumped through the kitchen window with all the elegance of a herd of Buffalo. His muddy paws danced across the worktop leaving his calling card everywhere.

While clearing up Dave the cat's 'fingerprints', the smoke alarm started wailing.
The 5 year old started screaming, and the 2 year old ran around the living room, hands over her ears doing her best 'nee-naw' impression.
The toast? Well.. The toast was burnt to a cinder.

Toddler calmed down, and 5year old comforted, round two of the battle between me and the toaster began.

The 2year old turned all Peppa Pig on the school run, jumping in every last bit of mud she could find.
Now usually, I don't mind this too much, but in true Peppa-esque sty-lee she laid down in the biggest mud puddle she could find and proceeded to writhe about in it in hysterics.. That fricking pig as a lot to answer for.

Following a bath and a new change of clothes, 'Peppa' decided that since the 'sun had dried up all the rain, Mummy' she would venture into the garden and play in the sand pit. A mere 10 minutes later, outfit number 3 made it's appearance.

The day continued along these lines until 3pm when the big girls returned home from school. Today I also had a 'tag-a-long' in the form of my friends child. So all 6 of us trudged home in the heat.
All tetchy and tired from their day, the 4 girls bickered for an hour, while the boy decided to use his very first tooth, which made it's debut today, to munch on a cocktail sausage!

Tag-a-long went home, just as the Norfolk Councils School Nurse made her belated appearance.

What should have been a 20 minute care plan review for the 6year olds epilepsy, turned into a 2 hour free-for-all.
I will not bore you with the details of that, I can barely get my head 'round it myself.
Needless to say, everyone was in a foul, exhausted, drained kind of mood.

I, in all my wisdom, decided to get out some craft things for the big girls to have fun with, in a vain attempt to lift their spirits.

What I wasn't expecting, was them to move from the neatly layed out, covered table to my living room rug.

And that's when it happened..

In one fell swoop, thousands of little pieces of glittering fairy dust fell quaintly from the sky. Swirling, tumbling making me dizzy as they whirled to the ground. The explosion lasted all of a few tiny seconds. The aftermath, devastating.

Three hours later, and I'm still finding sparkling remains on the rug, carpet, sofa and curtains.

Poor Tinkerbell didn't stand a chance in the hands of my terrorist toddler.

On a Good Day.

2010-06-27T20:40:00.003+01:00

Isn't it amazing?!

Looking around me, I am in total admiration. There are so many wonderful, beautiful things in this world.
I have spent an entire day in the garden with the family. We enjoyed a barbecue and some splashing around in the paddling pool.

The day has been quite stress-free (for a day in this house anyway!) and everyone has been in good spirits.

Once I had bathed the four children and put them to bed, I plonked myself back in the garden, catching the last of the sun as it disappeared behind the houses.

I sat at my beautiful big glass table alone eating my dinner. In silence. All except the bird song keeping me company. I feel so very relaxed. I can't remember the last time I felt such peace.

I looked around at the 5 empty chairs surrounding me. I've created such a wonderful family with Drew.

Little trikes, bikes and scooters adorn the lawn along with a trampoline, slide, sand pit, playhouse and a miniature dining table with four little chairs under a tiny gazebo. There had been such life in this garden all but an hour ago. But now? Now there is peace.

I looked to the sky. The beautiful clear blue sky, with it's wispy white clouds, dancing through it.

An infinite amount of space above me. Beautiful. Wondrous. Amazing.

How did I not notice this before? This endless sea of calm? The birds, so effortless in flight, gliding along form rooftop to rooftop, gently humming a little tune.

I take in a deep breath. This is the kind of peacefulness I want to feel everyday. I long for this. This clarity. This space. This euphoria.

I want to bottle it and hand it out to the world. I want to drink it all up when I'm feeling down and feel what I'm feeling this very second.

This is the me I strive to be. I want to be. I need to be.

Looking up, I feel dizzy. There are no limits, no boundaries to this amazing immeasurable piece of artwork we have come to know as the sky.

It is total bliss. My little piece of heaven, right here in my garden.

Today, I am on top of ~~the~~ my world.

Good Moring..?

2010-06-27T07:30:00.002+01:00

I used to be a morning person.

I loved nothing better then waking to summer sunshine, feeling relaxed and refreshed.
I also loved waking up to a seriously rainy, stormy day. I love the sound of the rain, and watching the droplets of water race each other to the ground.

I used to be a morning person.

My love of the morning has fast dwindled over the past 6 years.

Night feeds, early morning, stank filled heavy nappies.. These all put a dampener on the things I loved the most.

Nowadays, I hate the mornings. I'm tired and irritable.

I wake, most days with a headache at best, but usually a migraine. I just don't ever seem to get enough rest.
I don't even think that it's sleep that I need.. Just rest.

By 1pm, my eyelids are heavy and drooping. I'm yawning like a sleepy sloth and longing for a nap.
But I get no help. I get no rest. I'm a 28 year old woman in the body of a 68 year old..

The sunshine is great.. until you add 4 very young and very hot moaning children into the mix and a double buggy featuring an almost 3year old and a chucky 8month old. Oh, and hills. Did I mention the fecking hills?

The rain is great.. until the very same 4 children decide 2 minutes into the school run, that they just couldn't possibly take another step of the 3minute walk, as the rain is hitting their face. And they are scared of the thunder, and lightening, oh and the big grey cloud overhead.

I used to be a morning person...

2nd Look Saturday!

2010-06-26T19:22:00.000+01:00

So, it's 2nd look Saturday and here is a post that I liked and made me giggle when writing so I thought that I'd share it with you all again!

Check out Cass' site to see more 2nd Looks..

Week two of potty training my 2 year old daughter, Bailey.

She mastered peeing into the potty last week, but neglected to pull her knickers down first.. And with an average of 17 pairs of pants having to be washed daily, she's gone through around 204 in the past 12 days alone.

Yesterday we had a break through.. she pulled her knickers down prior to squatting, I don't think I've ever been so proud! I almost did the 'Pee-Pee in the pot-tay' song and dance!

Today, my dear young Bailey is not a 'baby' any more. She informs me she is a 'big girl' and 'my potty is too small for a big girl Mummy, I need to do a wee-wee on the big girls toilet'

The all singing, all dancing potty has been made redundant once more, well at least for another couple of years when baby Che starts his very own training.

All of a sudden I hear an excited squeal from upstairs. Bailey had been playing in her bedroom. Naturally I was worried. I needn't have been as she had very cleverly planted herself on the toilet and done her very first ever poo! She even remembered to pull her pants down first!

Who cares if she hadn't even tried to wipe herself clean? or that in her excitement she smeared the brown stuff across the toilet seat? And who gives a damn that she saw fit to come half way down the stairs to tell me of her exciting news by means of butt-bumping down each step? Or that mummy doesn't have any carpet cleaner in the house?

She steers me to the toilet and shows me her offering. Praise is showered upon her like glittering confetti. As she helps me flush, she utters the words 'Bye-bye poo-poo, have fun swimming with your friends' as she waves it on its way around the U-bend...

Dearest Drew

2010-06-24T23:55:00.000+01:00

When I'm down, you have to be strong. That's how we work.
When you are down, I will pick up the slack. It's the only way we can get through the days.

We finish each others sentences. We think the same things. We know each other, we love each other.

The kids are the icing on the cake. I could not think of a better father from them then you.
They adore you, worship the ground you walk on.

We are so very proud of all that you have overcome. We love you.

We have our ups and downs, like everyone else. We struggle the daily struggle, like everyone else.
We grow stronger. Each and every passing day.

Nothing can beat us. We will get through this, like we get through everything else.

The nights are long, the days longer. Grueling, complicated, demanding and forlorn.
But we can do this. Together. We are stronger then I could ever have imagined.

I love you and all (well, most..) of your quirks. Your wittiness, your charm and your personality.

Put simply. I. Adore. You.

Caption This!

2010-06-23T14:18:00.000+01:00

This is my first week of 'Caption This' inspired by the lovely Cass.

So here you go, this is my photo, all you have to do is come up with a caption for it. To have a go yourself, link up to Cass' site.

Creatures for the Gallery

2010-06-23T13:49:00.000+01:00

This weeks Gallery prompt is Creatures.

Thursday 17th June 2010. It was not only my birthday, but it was also the birth day of these six beautiful little girls...

Mummy. Abby. (Black Labrador)

The Daddy, Kye. (Blue eyed Siberian Husky)

Out of the light, comes the dark

2010-06-22T23:45:00.000+01:00

Surrounded by complete darkness,she knew she had to escape.
Desperately searching for something, anything which could help guide her onto a more familiar path.

It was not a peaceful darkness. The noise was unbearable. She couldn't hear herself think. She begged, pleaded with herself to concentrate on her breathing and remain calm.

She could sense the space narrowing. She felt claustrophobic. Winded like someone or something had slammed her chest hard, but she knew she was totally alone. No one could help her here. No one could hear her.

She wanted to fight, but she was giving up. Cold, scared and alone, she had nothing left. She was nothing and nobody. She didn't belong here. She was broken. There were too many pieces missing.

Then it hit her. It came so fast out of the darkness. She didn't realise until it was too late. It encased her, swallowed her up, lifted her so high she felt as though she were flying. Soaring through the clouds.

The light was amazing. It hurt her eyes, but it was beautiful. For that second, that tiny moment, everything seemed clear. Calm. Peaceful. Wondrous. Just for that split second.

The fight had left her feeling exhausted, but the urgency to propel herself was too strong. She felt weak, but couldn't stop.

She needed to feel the release, desperately trying to expel the seemingly endless torrents of redundant jabbering.

This was her torture. It was constant. The darkness comes then the light scoops her up and left her to crash back down into a messy heap. It happens over and over again on an endless loop.

The depressive lows and the manic highs of Bipolar disorder.

This post was inspired by Josie, at Sleep is for the weak and her writing workshop. It combines 2 of her prompts Depression and Light.

You can't pick your family..Part 2

2010-06-21T21:52:00.001+01:00

Part 1 was all about the Sister-In-Law.
If you missed the first installment you can find it here.

Part 2, is all about my sister. Linda, or as she is now known, Alesha.

Linda is 5 years my senior. She still lives near London, not far from where we grew up. She has three children, my nephew Nathan 16, and my nieces Shannon, 14 and Charley, 12. She has been married to Darran for the past 16 years.

At the grand old age of 32, Linda (named after my mum's sister who tragically died at the age of 2 in a RTA) decided to change her name by Deed Poll to Alesha. No one knows why and she didn't bother telling anyone she'd done it!

About 2 years ago now, Linda disowned our mum. The reasons for which will be yet another installment to this series of how fucked up my family are.

The past 2 years have been weird. Linda has decided that my family and I don't matter to her any longer. I get the occasional text or email but always after I have initiated it.

She has never seen my son, Che. Her choice, not mine.

She didn't send a card at Christmas or for mine or any of my children's birthdays, but had some stern words for me when she thought that I had missed her eldest daughters birthday (even though I had sent a card and present in the post and had spoken to her online) which incidentally is the day after my daughter Bailey's birthday which she had forgotten..!

I still write, send updated photos of the kids, send birthday, Christmas and anniversary cards and presents down to each of them. I get nothing in return. Neither do my children, which is the biggest smack in the face ever. Not only because I have absolutely no idea of her reasons to exclude me and my family out of her life but also because she is penalising my children, her nieces and nephew.

I used to be close to my sister. I miss not having that relationship with her. I miss my nieces and nephew dearly. But most of all, I am deeply hurt by her actions. I am wholly disappointed in her and her recent decisions. I can not and will not forgive her for her discriminating behaviour.

But she is my sister. I will not disown her. She is part of my family, even if she doesn't consider me being part of hers.

Dearest Jay

2010-06-21T12:21:00.000+01:00

Dearest Jay,

I feel the same way.

I know what it's like to have that voice in your head, telling you how much of a waste of space you are.
I know all about crying. Sobbing into your pillow every night. I lock myself in the bathroom in the middle of the night when the rest of the house are peacefully sleeping. I never find peace.

I had a severe bout of depression before. I lost my son. I tried to be with him. I couldn't cope.
I ended up in a rehabilitation clinic for 6months, on an awful lot of meds. I hated not being able to feel the grief that I needed to feel. I needed to feel the pain.

Since I've had my other children, PND has filled my days and now I have been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 disorder.

I feel so very lost and alone. My family tell me they love me everyday, and I wish I could believe them. I don't doubt that they can feel love. I just don't know how to accept it. I wish I could.

I'm not taking medication this time. I hated the way they made me feel. It's not a failure thing. I have already failed. I don't like feeling how I do, but at least I do feel something. I am a failure, so I should feel bad, right? That's the price for being a fuck up.

I'm trying to cope. Each day at a time is a true struggle. Trying to be a passable mummy to my 4 children and an alright partner to Drew. It's an effort to wake up in the morning. To have a wash and get dressed. Some days I come home from taking the kids to school and realised that I haven't even put a brush through my hair.

I am a mere shadow of my former self. With great responsibility, comes great expectations, which I am clearly falling shy of.

You do your best. You do what you have to do.

You have an awesome talent, keep using it. It is your gift. I have yet to find mine.

I have included you in a post before. In Awe. So to that voice in your head I say: Go fuck yourself. She is all that. She is special. She is noticed and She is loved.

Your Twitter feeds alone have spurred me on in some of my darkest hours this past year or so. I am honoured to have you as a 'friend'. You bring a little bit of sunshine into my otherwise grey, gloomy day.

Dearest Jay, don't let the voices win. Don't be like me. I have hit the bottom and I'm fighting to breath again. I am here. You are here. We are here together. xxx

The birthday blog

2010-06-20T23:33:00.000+01:00

I have just turned another year older. Another year wiser. Another year closer to 30.

Birthday's aren't special anymore. Not once you hit those magical 'Tween' years.

It's just another year. Another day of your life that can suck as much as the last.

How do you get that magic back? Is it even possible to feel that excited child-like feeling ever again?

I guess my birthday being on the date it is, is usually overshadowed by other things, Father's Day and England footy matches, for instance... This year it was also on a Thursday. Thursday's aren't great, are they?

Don't get me wrong, I had a nice meal out at one of our local pubs with Drew and the 4 kids.

They bought me a lovely little 'Mummy' necklace.

The big girls made me cards and drew me pictures. I got lots of extra hugs and kisses from them all.

It's just that it feels like anyother day. Same old housework to do, same old routine, same crap, different day.

I'm glad I shared this 'day' with my family. Even if it was just another day.

Motherhood

2010-06-16T23:27:00.000+01:00

This week, Tara Cain's prompt for the Sticky Fingers Gallery is a toughie.. Motherhood.

I've thought long and hard about this weeks entry, and what possible photo(s) I could include.

I thought about including the scan pictures, my stomach, which after 5 children now has so many stretch marks it resembles a road map. I also thought about including their newborn photos or one which features me with all of them. Then I thought that those ideas weren't really 'motherhood'. They are the cause and the result, but not the meaning.

This is my take on motherhood.

I don't proclaim to be a 'supermum' or an 'almost perfect' mum, far from it.
My goal as a mother has been and will always be to raise happy children. Children who love each other. Children who are close to each other. This, I have achieved, and I will strive to achieve for the rest of my life.

To my beautiful children,
Lauryn, Ashley, Bailey and Che.
I love you more then you can imagine.
I hope I can make you as proud of me as I am of you all.
Keep making me, your Daddy, and each other smile.
Love Mummy xxxx

To my little angel, Jackson.

You may not be here with me right now, but one day I will be there with you and I will do my best to be the Mummy you missed out on. Not a day goes by when I don't love you as much as your brother and sisters.

I don't know what went wrong, I wanted desperately for you to stay with me, but you grew your wings and there was nothing I could do. I felt so very helpless. I miss you constantly.

Love you always, Mummy x

Nappy Days!

2010-06-14T20:50:00.000+01:00

Week two of potty training my 2 year old daughter, Bailey.

She mastered peeing into the potty last week, but neglected to pull her knickers down first.. And with an average of 17 pairs of pants having to be washed daily, she's gone through around 204 in the past 12 days alone.

Yesterday we had a break through.. she pulled her knickers down prior to squatting, I don't think I've ever been so proud! I almost did the 'Pee-Pee in the pot-tay' song and dance!

Today, my dear young Bailey is not a 'baby' any more. She informs me she is a 'big girl' and 'my potty is too small for a big girl Mummy, I need to do a wee-wee on the big girls toilet'

The all singing, all dancing potty has been made redundant once more, well at least for another couple of years when baby Che starts his very own training.

All of a sudden I hear an excited squeal from upstairs. Bailey had been playing in her bedroom. Naturally I was worried. I needn't have been as she had very cleverly planted herself on the toilet and done her very first ever poo! She even remembered to pull her pants down first!

Who cares if she hadn't even tried to wipe herself clean? or that in her excitement she smeared the brown stuff across the toilet seat? And who gives a damn that she saw fit to come half way down the stairs to tell me of her exciting news by means of butt-bumping down each step? Or that mummy doesn't have any carpet cleaner in the house?

Love Making - for beginners

2010-06-14T11:17:00.002+01:00

My 6 year old daughter, Lauryn came to me the other day with a book that she had written. So very proud was she, beaming from ear to ear.

'It's called the How to make love' Mummy'. 'I've even written a blurb' she said excitedly.

So here it is, for all to see, do you think I should be worried..?

The Front Cover

The blurb

It gets interesting when we open it..

Ah, an insight into the mind of a 6 year old girl..

The picture.

The author, Lauryn.

Getting Old

2010-06-13T09:41:00.000+01:00

So it's my birthday next week. I'll be 28.
I'm growing ever closer to the big 3-0, which seems like a scary prospect. It seems all too grown up!

I'm not a young 27, not my any means, I have a wise head on my shoulders. I have been there, done that and got the T-Shirt so to speak.

I have experienced highs like meeting my partner, Drew and the birth of my four beautiful children. I have however also suffered some serious lows. The deaths of close family and friends, miscarriage, still birth and, well I'll refer you to a previous post Damaged Goods which explains lots.

I have lived and worked in Dublin, Ireland, London, and now Norwich.

There are so very many things that I would like to achieve in my life and for my children.

You always dream what you would have accomplished by the time you reach the grand 'old' age of 30. I now have 2 years to complete these dreams, and if I'm being completely realistic, I know they are not going to happen.

So maybe it's time to reflect and take stock of what I have and what I can achieve by my 30th, while I still have the time. Maybe then, the prospect of this momentous birthday won't seem so frightening.

I want to lose all of the baby weight once and for all. I am done with having my children now that Drew has put an end to his baby producing days. I also want to get married. I don't want to be a fat, unmarried, 30year old mother of 4. It doesn't read right.

So there you have it, my 2 goals to be achieved in 2 years. Wish me luck people, I'm gonna need it.

The World Cup - A girls eye view

2010-06-12T17:30:00.001+01:00

I don't profess to know much about football, or The World Cup for that matter, but for the past decade, I have lived with an avid self proclaimed football fanatic.

My man really does know his stuff, so how could I not have picked up a thing or two over the years?

This is my view of England's World Cup bid.. Enjoy!

Now ladies, If you are looking for your 'ideal' man you are unlikely to find him here, lets break it down.

Looks: There aren't too many 'beautiful' footballers about at the the moment, unfortunately. We seem to be in the land of fairy tales with the likes of Wayne 'Shrek' Rooney and Peter 'Giant' Crouch.

Talent: Undeniably, there are some mega talented lads in the team. Unfortunately, a few of them are a little selfish - too many big heads rivalling for top dog, which is a shame. They play well individually but seem to lack that true team spirit that would take them far in this type of competition.

Personality: Girls, if you're looking for this then look elsewhere, 'cause you've just lucked out completely!

Money: If this is what you want in a man, then take your pick. Don't be put off by the majority of them being married, they sure as hell aren't.

Right now down to business.

With the sad news that Nelson Mandela's great granddaughter, 13 year old Zenani was killed in a drunken road traffic accident while returning home from the pre-world cup concert and South African opera singer, Siphiwo Ntshebe, who died form meningitis mere weeks before he was due to perform at the opening ceremony, this World Cup seems to be a little doomed.

When you add to this the bad luck that the England team itself have received, you can't help but wonder what's next?

First, there was David Beckham, who's last ever World Cup chances were dashed when he tore his Achilles tendon while playing for his current club AC Milan. Then came the news that central defender Rio Ferdinand damaged his knee ligament when involved in a tackle with striker Emile Heskey during training.

With injury worries rife among the England team, many of whom have recently overcome groin strain, it does seem that England have a somewhat 'thrown together' team.

So can we really win?

Well, we have some strong competition and there are always the 'upsets' when an unlikely team go through.
This year however, I'm doubtful we can go all the way.

I would love nothing more then 2010 to be the year that tops 1966 and maybe I'll be proven wrong.

All I can say now is, COME ON ENGLAND, we are all routing for you.

Like Mother, Like Son

2010-06-12T13:37:00.000+01:00

Today I saw one of those truly gross things. The kind of thing that makes you feel sick to the stomach.
Not quite to the standard of '2 girls, 1 cup' (If you haven't had the pleasure and have a very strong stomach, Google it!) but gross none the less.

I was in the playground at my daughters' first school this morning when I saw a little boy 'cuff' his snotty nose and wipe it down his friends coat! Disgusting enough, right?

Obviously not!

I was absolutely taken aback by what happened next.
Said snot filled boy sauntered over to his mother and sneezed, which released an ungodly amount of nasal matter which he proceeded to smear across his face.

His mother, checking her pockets and realising she didn't have a tissue, lovingly wiped her child's nose with her own bare hand, before walking across to her baby son's pram and casually wiping the large vat of green stuff across her baby boys jacket!

I'm disgusted. Obviously the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. lllll

In Awe

2010-06-08T12:05:00.000+01:00

Time and time again I read about some truly amazing people.

These people inspire me to do better, but somehow, I fell that I can never live up to their incredible achievements.

I'm not talking about people in the media - that's a kind of false economy.

I'm really talking about real people, living real lives..

People who are wonderfully talented, selfless, generous, kind and nurturing.

I feel blessed to know a few of these mere mortals. These people bring joy, encouragement and sunshine into my life.

Of course my children bring me immense happiness, as does my partner Drew. Without them, I wouldn't be me. However, today I am not gushing about my beautiful family.

I am talking about an elite few, some of whom I'll mention here

The lovely Jay over at Mocha Beanie Mummy.
A rare find. Such a big personality. Such a talented photographer.
She makes me cry with laughter every single day.

My good friend Danni
I met her at school. An amazing mother to her three young children. She studies, she works part time and she is in the process of starting her own business.. all while her husband works away.
She keeps all her pans from boiling over. A true great friend.

Tara at Sticky Fingers.
She created The Gallery. A wondrous achievement.
Each week she brings so many people together and introduces us to some wildly talented people, albeit via the power of the World Wide Web.

My mate Tommy.
Another high school chum, Tommy runs world wide marathons in aide of women's cancer charities.
Following the diagnoses and eventual death of his mother, he has helped raise thousands of pounds for these very deserving charities.

Last, but not least,

Amy, from And 1 more means four.
Mum extraordinaire!
At just 24 herself, the beautiful Amy is an incredible mother to her 5 small children.
She breast feeds, she makes the morning routine and school runs look effortless and she is always happy.
Never complacent, Amy is an all round 5 star uber Mummy.

I have total and utter admiration for these people.

I am in awe of you all.
I aspire to be more like you. You make the world a better, brighter place to be.

For allowing me to sneak a small glimpse of your lives I am forever thankful, you have made me a better person.

Keep up the fabulous work guys, I am sending you all a huge pat on the back!

The Terrorist and the potty

2010-06-07T13:40:00.003+01:00

'The Terrorist' also known as my 2 year old daughter, Bailey has just started potty training.
She is actually doing quite well.

Wees are going into the pot every time now, thankfully.
We are still working on number 2's.. Oh, and on the whole pulling your knickers down before peeing business.

Bailey has also recently given up her dummies, or 'Dar-Dars' as she liked to call them.
Day and night for the past 2 weeks she has been dummy free!

Her speech is coming on leaps and bounds and so is her over sized personality! She will start the nursery attached to her older sisters' school in September too.

My littlest lady is growing up fast, thank goodness for her baby brother, Che.
I really don't know how I'm going to cope when my gorgeous baby boy starts school. May he stay my baby for a very long time.

Oops I did it again

2010-06-07T13:09:00.000+01:00

Oops I did it again..

I giggled. Rather inappropriate, given the article I was reading out to a friend.

Yet more sad news in the media this morning regarding another young death in the world of 'celebrity'.

Stuart Cable, 40 year old ex-drummer for the band, Stereophonics.

Stuart was found dead in his home in South Wales in the early hours of this morning.

You can read the full article here.

Like I said, I was reading this out, over the phone to my friend, when suddenly I had an uncontrollable urge to giggle like a 2 year old child who had just heard a fart.

Finally composing myself, my friend asked why I would laugh at such sad news.

I know it's childish, but I truly couldn't help myself..

Stuart's body was found by his mother. Which of course is terrible and not funny in the slightest. However..

Mr Cable's mother is named Mabel..

I apologise, I am a 27 year old, mother of 4, who acts like a pathetic giggling hyena when I read something like the name Mable Cable..

You can't pick your family..Part 1

2010-06-05T22:38:00.000+01:00

It's so very true what they say..

"You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family"

Prime example of this very statement:

Sister in law calls at 9.30pm and says:

"I've just got a new photo frame and I want to put a photo of your kids in it. Can you email me a photo now?I want to do it tonight"

I'm sorry, I must have given you the impression that I give a fuck about what you want to-do tonight. My ill baby son comes before your 'wants', you selfish, demanding, childish cow.

That is not an over-reaction by the way people. This is just tonight's episode in a very long line of selfish acts that she spouts as she truly does think that the world revolves around her..

Playtime!

2010-06-05T13:35:00.003+01:00

I get all excited over the silliest little things.

The kids trays arrived, yay!

A lifetime ago, I worked in a nursery, so recently I have decided that I would hone in to my teaching pre school kids days and bring a bit of nursery home..

The kids, as you may have guessed, have their own coloured tray each, which has gone down very well.
Lauryn has red, Ashley, pink (or course!), Bailey has yellow and little Che has the green one.

Here's just some of what we got up to...

Homemade play dough

Moon sand

Goop!

Birthday cake for my sister

Crazy little thing called..Life

2010-06-04T12:00:00.000+01:00

Today, I somewhat resemble something that farmers would be truly proud to display in their fields to keep those pesky crows at bay... It's not a good look to rock.

After having 6 kids here all week, aged between 15 and 7months old, the house, my house is well, for lack of a better word, trashed. So is my garden come to think of it.

As bad luck would have it, I find myself living in a tiny 2 bedroomed mid terrace with my partner, our four children and our 2 cats. Further more, I seem to have 'inherited' my two teenage sisters for every half term school holiday and majority of the weekends throughout the year.

Aside from this, I also have a substantial list of things which currently make my life, well, erm.. difficult shall we say.

I have recently been diagnosed with Bipolar. My partner is also a depressive.
The 6year old has epilepsy and a bad case of the uber tantrums.
The 2 cats have problems, one has chronic cystitis and pee's in the bath, often. The other cat has a heart murmur and is a troublesome little shit, but that's another post.
The baby seems to think he's still worthy of newborn portions and despite now being 7months old, he refuses to wean and alarmingly demand feeds 6oz milk bottles every 2-3 hours.
The 5 year old needs constant reassurance that she is my world. She whinges and cries uncontrollably at any given opportunity that life doesn't quite go her way. This will last hours at a time.
The toddler is the devil in disguise. Often referred to as 'The Terrorist' Destruction follows her. Mess follows her. She refuses to potty train, conform to society or cease screeching like a Banshee.
The car is buggered, so we are well and truly grounded.
The garden is the size of a postage stamp, with super strength weed things lurking in every crevice of the patio.
And finally, the bane of my life, reoccurring cases of head lice from some kid who's idiotic parents refuse to treat. Gahhhh, nasty little pointless blood sucking bastards.

Phew... *breaths a huge sigh of relieve* Thank God that's off my chest.

I want to clean and have a bright and shiny house and garden. But in reality, it never quite happens.
There is always too much to do on any given day.

Today, for example, I have all the kids here. The breakfast ritual alone took me 43minutes. I got the kids fully dressed and they went outside and proceeded to jump in the paddling pool and have a water fight..
I need to get the mass mountain of laundry under control again today too. I need to vacuum, dust, wash windows, mirrors and floors. The toy boxes need sorting so that the kids can regain some much needed floorspace in their bedroom.

I look at my ever growing list and I feel deflated.

I don't know where to start, and when I eventually do start, one of the kids needs something right there and then.

It's like they know. As soon as I pick up the Dyson. It's their visual aide that Mummy isn't playing with them any longer and she needs to be recaptured into the land of make believe.

So much effort and motivation is required to do the smallest of things at the moment. It's a vicious cycle.

That is why I am going to try The Personal Challenge a la Tiddlyompompom. Wish me luck!

This month my Personal Challenge is:
1. Keep on top of the daily housework
2. Keep on top of the weeds and lawn
3. Keep up with my Bipolar therapy.

Dear Diary...

2010-05-30T22:11:00.000+01:00

My day in photos..

First up was homemade playdough!

(can you tell I only had 2 colours left??)

Next, the England flag went up.

(This photo was taken by my 2yr old daughter, Bailey. That is her finger making an appearance in the shot!)

Then came dinner..

And pudding.. decorated by my 6year old Lauryn.

This all equalled 4 VERY happy children!

Comfortably Numb

2010-05-21T13:24:00.000+01:00

Comfortably numb?

It's not that I like the feeling of numbness or anything.
I mean I prefer to feel numb then to feel like I'm being crushed under an enormous weight that is life..

Sometimes, it gets so bad that I can't breath. Literally. I have panic attacks over the stupidest things.

Then there's the flip side to that bright and shiny coin, called Bipolar.

This effects me in 2 different ways. I'm not Kerry Katona.

I talk.. endlessly talk.. Drew will agree with me, as he can often be heard telling me to 'shut the fuck up'
It's like someone is holding a gun to my head.. Think 'Speed' without the bus, if I stop or slow down, my world stops. There is a real pressure urging me on. And it's nothing in particular that spews from my mouth. A whole random load of nonsense.

I'll start mid way through a sentence and Drew will be looking at me wondering what the hell is going on and not having a clue. It's like I think that I've started from the beginning and then I feel annoyed that he isn't keeping up.

The other way the 'mania' takes hold is sex.
I'm like a woman possessed!!
My poor bloke. He's so tired!

I have found a 'Majority Trend, to these cycles. I'm an uber crazy person at night. (Another reason why Drew is tired)

These 'manic' cycles leave me exhausted too. I'm so hyper I don't sleep.
This not only leaves me extremely tired the next day, but also in need of being scraped up from the floor like a deflated helium balloon.

The downward spiral continues throughout the day and there's no pulling me out of it.

So you see, it doesn't happen very often, and I wouldn't say I like it, but today I'm comfortably numb.

Utter Chaos

2010-05-19T14:33:00.002+01:00

After reading a post written by Wendy Mallins at Ready For Ten regarding the 'art' of achieving the morning routine with the kids, I realised how terrible I am at getting up in the mornings and organising everything!

My children are aged, 6, 5, 2.5 and 6 months. I get up about 7.45am. We leave the house usually around 8.30, but 8.40 at the very latest.

Now I leave out clean clothes; under ware, uniforms, daytime clothes for the babies etc in piles (1 pile per child)

All shoes are in the 'kids' basket in the porch and are put there the minute they arrive home from school.

I check book bags straight after school and complete any paperwork etc then.
Lunches are made the night before and left in fridge for the morning.

The 3 girls usually go downstairs about 7.30am. They put the TV on by themselves, and watch a cartoon or play on their DS or with toys.

I am upstairs at this time, either feeding the baby or sorting out clothes for myself.
I then go in the shower and am dressed and downstairs with all the kids for 8am.

I take requests for breakfast, usually some kind of cereal and toast with squash.
The 5 year old is usually dressed in uniform already, the 6 year old is either still in pj's or running around the lounge completely naked..

After many shouts at the 6year old to get dressed and turning the TV off, much to the disgust of fully dressed and fed 5year old, I start on the babies.

Both nappies need changing and both sets of clothes to go on. Then the hair...

Hair is a nightmare in my house. I have 3 girls who all like wearing their hair long.. The 5 year old is the 'princess' of the bunch and has to have everything girly, pretty and frilly. Out come co-ordinating bands and clips and requests for pig tails and twisty hair and 'curly like Aurora mummy'

The toddler hates having her hair brushed or put up or even having a clip to keep her fringe out of her eyes.

Buggy is put up and book bags, water bottles, lunch bags, rain macks and anything else they need for that day is loaded on.

Baby inevitably vomits over himself and usually me, after a mammoth session in his Jumperoo.

All 5 of us trek upstairs to the bathroom. Me to change out of vomit stricken clothes, baby to be cleaned up and re changed and the girls to brush teeth and wash hands and faces.

All bundle down stairs when I'm shouting for shoes to be put on and any toys being taken to be 'grabbed now, 'coz I'm not coming back for them'..

Baby is strapped into buggy, toddlers shoes are fastened and we all leave the house where I usually have to drag 6year old and toddler down the road to school.

I should get up earlier and give the kids more time in the mornings, right?
But were would the fun be in that????

It's not you, it's me..

2010-05-18T14:22:00.001+01:00

This weeks Gallery prompt is 'Self Portrait'

My full name is (and please don't laugh)

Kerry-Anne Francis Patricia Elizabeth Lewis

I am 27 years old.

This is me...

This is me as a daughter.

This was taken on Mother's Day in 2008 with my mum, Jane.

This is me as a 'wife'.
I'm seen here with my fiance, Drew.
We've been together for an entire decade!

This is me as a mother.

These are my 4 children, Lauryn, Che, Bailey and Ashley.
This was taken at our Halloween party (obviously!) Che was 11 days old.

This is me (standing in the doorway) playing host to my family.

This photo shows me with my 2 younger sisters, Emma and Vikki, my mum, Jane and step father Chris.

This was taken on new years eve 2009 at my house. I live in a tiny 2bedroomed terrace house with Drew and the 4 children (and 2 cats!) It's a squeeze. However, I often play host to my family. On this occasion there were 15 people in my living room having a 'Beatles Rock Band' party!

This is me as a sister.

My 15year old sister Sammie stays with me a lot. She is probably to most like me of all of my sisters.

These are photos of me as a friend. On a very rare night out. Having an awesome time, I might add!

This is me as a 'fund raiser' Taken at Race for Life with one of my best friends, Andie. We raised £753 for Cancer Research UK. I was 7 months pregnant with Che when this was taken.

This is me as an 'artist'

It's not a great painting, but it was one of my first and I'm quite proud of it!

This is me as 'fun Mum' playing football in the park with the kids!

This is ME.

With my wonderful family. Taken just before Christmas 2009. (as I'm sure you maybe able to guess!) Ashley (sitting) Lauryn (standing) Me with 6week old Che, Drew and Bailey.

Kreativ Blogger

2010-05-17T14:07:00.000+01:00

If I'm honest, being a complete novice to the whole blogging thing, I hadn't heard about 'Kreativ Blogger'

That was until Jon Stead tagged me of course! (Thank you very much)

So here we all are, all eyes on me. Lets give it a try..

The Rules:

1. You must thank the person who has given you the award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link the person who has nominated you for the award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 other Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Let the nominated victims (bloggers) know they have been tagged.

I'm a 'Cockney'. Born within the sound of the 'Bow Bells'
I have 7 other siblings.
I lived in Dublin, Ireland for 4years before moving back to London.
I attended a famous stageschool.
I once spilt coffee on Sir Paul McCartney's beige nubuck shoes (oops!)
I once appeared in a music video for a boyband.
I got A* in Woodwork and Electronics at GCSE level

So there you have it, my 7 'interesting' previously unknown facts about myself for you lucky, lucky people.
What can I say. It's been fun!

Now the following people can have a go, so get thinking!
A Head Blog
Macmusings
Faerie Midwife
Jenber
Mediocre Mum
Bumbling Along
Sleep is for the weak
(apologies if any of you have already done this..)

Week1-Inspiration

2010-05-12T11:58:00.002+01:00

Following on from my previous blog post: Regaining Myself, this is week 1, or ground zero..

This is going to be a kind of mish/mash of inspirational and motivational thoughts, quotes, musings and photos for the coming week, feel free to add your own ideas. I think I'm going to need all the help I can get!

This photo was taken by my lovely hubby to be, Drew, in June 2009. It was at my brother in law's wedding and our girls were bridesmaids.(L-R Ashley, me, Bailey and Lauryn) I was 5months pregnant with Che.
We are sitting in the long grass in the church yard while photos were being taken of the bride and groom.
The girls were all incredibly well behaved and a true credit to us both.
I like this photo, not just because it is one of the few I have with me and my girls (I'm usually behind the camera) but because it shows how beautiful they are. And it gives me emmense hope that when we get married they will be every bit as happy and proud as our bridesmaids as they were for their Uncle.

(Photo taken by me, on a family holiday to Centre Parcs, Norfolk in May 2009)

"The happiest people are those who think the most interesting thoughts. Those who decide to use leisure as a means of mental development, who love good music, good books, good pictures, good company, good conversation, are the happiest people in the world. And they are not only happy in themselves, they are the cause of happiness in others."

William Lyon Phelps

"A person will be just about as happy as they make up their minds to be"

Abraham Lincoln

Other things that make me happy:

McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey) and McSteamy (Eric Dane)Grey's Anatomy. My new fave TV show. I have only just discovered Grey's, but I'm hooked. The obvious 'man-candy' helps! I'm desparate for season 5 to be released on DVD in England.

Mack Garehardt (Max Martini) from The Unit.
I LOVED the show, absolutely brilliant, and was very sad
to see it end. I own the DVD boxsets and they are fab!
I also like to think that Drew is my very own Mack!!

My gorgeous children!

(Clockwise L-R Bailey, Ashley, Lauryn and Che)

This is the very first photo that I managed to snap of all 4 of them together. It's not perfect, but you can see all of their beautiful faces!

This is my wonderful partner (@AndyHead02). Seen here with Lauryn and Ashley.

His family call him Andrew, his friends call him Andy, (or Heady!)

I call him Drew.

We have been together for 10years. We met back in 2000 when I was just 18, and he was 24. The rest, as they say is history!

I love him very much and I'm so proud of him and everything he has overcome.

He's an amazing father to our four children, a fantastic uncle to all of our nieces and nephews and a wonderful 'brother in law' to my sisters.

In short, he's 'The One'

Regaining Myself

2010-05-11T11:58:00.001+01:00

Can you have a 'Midlife Crisis' at the age of 27?

Well, I guess you can, if you are only going to be around until the ripe old age of 54! (eek!, that's not good for a start, is it?)

Anyway, since my diagnosis last week, I have been looking at my life with 'new' eyes

I would love nothing more then for things to change in my life and all the so-called 'Self Help' guru's tell you the same thing:

'If you want it, make it happen and get it'

So, it seems, it's all down to me!

Now, of course, the main drawback with any kind of depression, is that you truly cannot be arsed with anything, which makes this task somewhat harder.

My decision regarding going this Bipolar thing alone with no medication is not due to my inner hippy trying to escape and come to the forefront of my life, it's down to the fact that I’ve used antidepressants in the past and I didn't do well on them.

This in turn also makes things more difficult, as not only am I trying my darndest to fight this disorder, I am also pushing myself to make significant changes in my life to make it more worthwhile. This will then, hopefully have the desired positive effect needed to help with the depression.

The expression, 'Swings and roundabouts' comes to mind..

This is what I am treating as my very premature midlife crisis, and I WILL overcome this.

This will be a very slow process, which makes me sad, as I don't like to wait!
I get annoyed and depressed, which is extremely detrimental to the task in hand.

I am no writer, (as you can tell from this very blog) and therefore must apologise for my ramblings. However, I am going to attempt to post a weekly blog to help me achieve my mission impossible.

Photos, quotations, and any other suitable inspiration material I can get my hands on to help me regain my lust for life and improve my Bipolar Cycle symptoms.

Along with this I am going to improve my general home life by trying to regain my former organisation self.

Gone are the days when I used to be able to cope with the kids and the housework at the same time!

I refuse to let my beautiful, intelligent children suffer with a less then adequate mother for any longer, they deserve a mother who is happy and confident and.. well not what I am today.

I am going to do exactly what all those self help guides tell me and..

'Make it happen'

(Is it wrong to be extremely nervous and scared by all of this already..?)

Scared Newbie!!

2010-05-07T21:22:00.000+01:00

I have been watching from afar for some weeks now.

All of the photos have been wonderfully amazing. Real eye openers. And some tear jerker's.

As some people will know from my recent tweets, I have been going through a bit of a hard time since having my son 6months ago.

PND turned into depression and following an assessment this week, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder.

I have decided to shun the help of medication in favour of the au natural remedies of meditation, light therapy, diet and exercise and with the help of my family and friends, I know that I will eventually learn how to cope with my everyday life in a much more positive manner.

Today, I have decided not to be that person who watches.. but that person who joins in and has a go.

So here goes, my very first ever post for Tara Cain's Gallery at Sticky Fingers. (And I hope I get this right!!)

The prompt this week is 'Men'

This is now my favourite photo of my men. Taken tonight (Friday 7/5/10)

This is my partner, Drew (@andyhead02) and our 6month old son, Che Lennon having a Daddy-Son bonding moment together.

Every time I look at this photo it makes me smile, the best medicine there is.

I LOVE my men.

PND, Kids and other annoyances...

2010-01-26T12:05:00.000Z

PND has kicked in, in a major way. For those of you not in the know, its that kind of shitty depression you get after you've shat out a football sized devil spawn.. this time i'm referring to little Mr. C..

Don't get me wrong I often gush about my sproglings but today is not that kinda day.

Yesterday was crap, lots of errends and to-ing and fro-ing... with at least 2 of the kids in tow which didn't help the whole PND situation. Then dance class after school for the big 2 I had an extra one so not only did I have to cart all 4 of mine out but someone elses 'little darling' aswell.
The dance teacher called me 'the pied piper' everytime she sees me i seem to have more kids with me!

To top this all off , I dropped £15 in the hour of dance class as I 'had' to buy 2 dance company t-shirts as the girls are going to be preforming at the fayre in the summer... oh the joys! and Mr. C had his first set of baby jabs too which has left him feeling just as grumpy as me!

Today isn't much better.. I have a day at home today. I have housework today. I have laundry today. Today isn't good...

Miss B is craving my attention on a one-to-one basis.. which is a no go as Mr. C is still as grumpy as he was yesterday and is also wanting to be sitting on me at every given opportunity. Today is going to be 'fun'!

Both of my neighbours have dogs, I on the other hand have cats.. 2 of the little buggers Jackson and Dave. They are brothers. They are sods! well Dave is!

The old lady who lives on the left is one of these horrible old battleaxes who hates kids (good place to rent your house love, next door to someone who has 4!) hates cats and thinks shes a pornstar in the making.. the noises i hear from her 'computer' room equipted with webcam (yes she is that kind of discusting old cow) are, lets just say disturbing at the very least.. and LOUD!
She owns a 'rat on a lead' and parades it around the neighbourhood like it's the best thing since sliced bread.. it's rather inappropriately named 'Randy'.

The neighbours on the right are a young pair with a child (although the bloke is not the kids dad) they have 2 dogs, both labs. The golden one is 'oringially' named Marley... guess whos a fan of Owen Wilson and Jenifer Anison.

Jackson and Dave are terrified. Dave has a heart murmur and Jackson pisses blood in my bath evertime he so much as smells a dog.. I'm sure you can imagine the size of my vet bills.

Today all i'm hearing is fucking dogs trying to communicate with each other across my 6ft garden fences... SHUT THEM THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!

Rant over, have a nice day..

2010 - The year of the Tiger..Grrrrrrr

2010-01-08T13:59:00.000Z

My family in Chinese Zodiac:

Me: Dog ~ (Don't even go there..)

Mr. D ~ Dragon

Miss. L ~ Goat

Miss. A ~ Rooster

Miss. B ~ Boar

Mr. C ~ Ox

As I sit here today, in the year of the Tiger, I wonder what it all means?

Mr. D and I have been together 10years (well, come this July anyway) that was the year of the Dragon.. Is this significient? Also being his birth year? Does any of this crap even matter..?

Well 10 (ish) years down the line and 4 kids in tow, 3 girls, L (6), A (5) and B (2) and our little boy who is currently snoozing on me as I type. Bless him little C is only 11weeks old. I'm getting to thinking what the future holds now that our family is complete?

It's scary to think that in a few short years I will be forced back into the land of early morning alarm clocks, commutes, packed lunches and 35hour or so weeks... Actually that doesn't sound half bad when you compare it to my current reality.

2 children in nappies, which need frequent changing. (I think they inheritted their arses from Mr. D)

2 school aged kids who, no matter how many times they are shown/told cannot seem to work out how to use the toilet or toilet paper correctly..

2 school runs to do plus various toddler&baby groups to attend

Then there is the obligatory housework... This requires a blog of its own.

The amount of clothes washing I have to pile through in a week is similar to that of a professional laundrette.. it truely is never ending.

Then there's the washing up... I don't have fancy gadgets in my kitchen, mores the pity, so I have to DIY and when Mr. D has been let loose in the kitchen it is not a pretty sight!

My working week doesn't have a start or finish time. It doesn't come with good pay, holidays or even such mere things as 'breaks' lunch or otherwise. It rarely includes an 'assistant' but always a headache, a big overdraft and hair loss..

Don't get me wrong, being a parent is very rewarding too. All those little milestones to be cherished and committed to long term memory. All the smiles, and the laughter, and best of all the embarrassing moments you have in public with the little darlings!

The kind of embarrassing moments I'm getting at are the ones which make you chringe and it's not just the kids it's Mr. D too!

For example, we were in Tesco one Christmas and Mr. D lets one go, down the turkey isle (that's NOT a euthanisum!) he pauses only to whisper in my ear, a single word.. 'RUN'

Before I can ask what the hell he's going on about, the air fills with what I can only describe as a kind of thick smog like sewer odour.. I start to quicken my pace as my lungs and nostrils begin to burn.. As I'm about to exit the foul smelling isle, I overhear an old lady tell her husband (and I quote) 'We're not getting the turkey from here Arthur, they all smell off..'

Miss L is just as chringeworthy.. Running the length of a bus while shouting for all the hear that the big hairy biker bloke that had got on at the last stop and sat behind us was a 'Gorrilla' and was going to eat us all!!

Or the time when she said to her aunt, that she didn't think she'd be able to fit into her little wedding car as she is 'too big and fat' to get in it.. (now this one was almost confirmed true, it was a huge squeeze to shoehorn her into that vehicle, but that's hardly the point!)

I'm no angel and I'm certainly not perfect, but i'm pretty damn close ;-)

Falling Starlett

The Crying Game

M. I. A

Diary of me. Tuesday wk 3

Diary of Me week 2

Diary of Me -Friday

Diary of Me- Thursday

Diary of Me - Wednesday

Diary of Me-Tuesday

Diary of Me

Time heals all..?

Snow Angel

Silent Sunday

Dear me - Part deux

Dear Me..

Catch up

Blognonymous - A response

Brand new blog!

Thought for the week..

Savvy savings..

Criticism

Start as you mean to go on..

Potatoes are made from sheep..

Parks, picnics and 17 kids..

Not for the easily offended..

Release

My Last Fight..

Beauty is everywhere

Inception, the beginning of the end?

Dearest Family..

Running from the World.

For the love of Music

Thank God for Michael Bublé

I get so emotional, baby..

The day that Tinkerbell died.

On a Good Day.

Good Moring..?

2nd Look Saturday!

Dearest Drew

Caption This!

Creatures for the Gallery

Out of the light, comes the dark

You can't pick your family..Part 2

Dearest Jay

The birthday blog

Motherhood

Nappy Days!

Love Making - for beginners

Getting Old

The World Cup - A girls eye view

Like Mother, Like Son

In Awe

The Terrorist and the potty

Oops I did it again

You can't pick your family..Part 1

Playtime!

Crazy little thing called..Life

Dear Diary...

Comfortably Numb

Utter Chaos

It's not you, it's me..

Kreativ Blogger

Sponsored Wedding.. Anyone?

Week1-Inspiration

Regaining Myself

Scared Newbie!!

PND, Kids and other annoyances...

2010 - The year of the Tiger..Grrrrrrr